IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young children are spending large amount of time in front of screens. What are the causes of this and what other problems does it lead to?

In today's era, excessive screen
time
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 is
common
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a common
show examples
 problem among
the
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apply
show examples
kids
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, which may lead to
the
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apply
show examples
serious health issues in
childs
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children
show examples
. Let's discuss
about
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apply
show examples
possible
rationals
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rationales
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 for spending most of
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time
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the time
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 watching television and
threats
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the threats
show examples
 it can raise for adolescents.
Firstly
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, most of the families are nuclear in
current
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the current
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 generation and both
parents
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 are working and
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additionally
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additionally,
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 house chores make their life
more busy
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busier
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. It is tough for
parents
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 to give enough attention to
kids
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 by
manageing
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managing
 other things with it so cartoon programs are becoming good friends of
parents
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. Mom and dad can easily pay attention to
office related
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office-related
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 and household duties
while
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 their children are enjoying some attractive
ficitional
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fictional
 characters on screen.
For example
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, as per
a
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apply
show examples
research
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research,
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 almost 75% of mothers give phones to their
kids
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 to play games when they are focusing on other duties.
Moreover
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, because of small
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families
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family
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family,
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 there are not enough members to support babies in the house and they stay
unattendent
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unattended
 in front of digital screens. One of the
another reasons
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another reason
other reasons
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of
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for
show examples
prefering
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preferring
 screen
time
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 by
parents
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 for their
kids
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 rather than other outdoor
activity
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activities
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 is
crime
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the crime
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 rate.
WIth
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With
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 the increasing number of
crime
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crimes
show examples
 for
kids
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,
parents
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 stay satisfied at least they are sitting safely inside
house
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the house
show examples
 because cartoons have enough capability to catch
attention
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the attention
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 of
toddelrs
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toddlers
.
Secondly
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, spending more
time
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 in front of screens can badly harmful
for
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to
show examples
 young eyes and can make long
lasting
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long-lasting
show examples
 impact
in
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on
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 babies.
Furthermore
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, most
of
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apply
show examples
kids
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show
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shows
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 are not really sophisticated as they
are showing
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show
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unusal
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unusual
 content that
kids
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 really
needs
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need
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 to watch under
supervision
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the supervision
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 of an adult.
For instance
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, there is a
tv
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TV
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 show telecasting in which they represent a baby as
superhero
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a superhero
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 and he is doing heroic actions like jumping from buildings etc. Childs can try to copy these
dangerougs
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dangerous
 activities which can cause any injuries. There are
also
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 some researches that prove exceeded
tv
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TV
show examples
times's
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time's
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 bad effect
for
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on
show examples
Add an article
the brain
a brain
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brain
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brains
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 of individuals under five
year
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years
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 old. In conclusion, we have explored viable
harmfull
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harmful
 impacts and causes of watching screens more than
limit
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limited
show examples
 and
withous
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without
 supervision for
kids
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.
Parents
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 need to be extra
carefull
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careful
 and manage enough
time
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 for their
kids
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 to engage them in
another activities
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another activity
other activities
show examples
 rather
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then
Replace the word
than
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 offering them movies or computerized games.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay addresses the topic and presents relevant points, but it would benefit from a clearer structure. Consider using paragraphs more effectively to separate your ideas.
task achievement
You mentioned some good points regarding screen time but ensure that your examples are well-supported and clear. For instance, provide details or context to your research references.
grammar and language
Pay attention to grammar and spelling to enhance clarity. Small errors can distract from the message you are conveying. Proofreading can help catch these mistakes.
idea development
You highlighted the role of parental responsibilities in increasing screen time for children; this insight is relevant and adds depth to your argument.
overall impression
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the issues discussed and reiterates the need for parental involvement, which is essential in this context.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • digital devices
  • interactive content
  • remote learning
  • social interaction
  • engagement
  • convenience
  • traditional playtime
  • screen dependency
  • educational purposes
  • video games
  • streaming services
  • captivate
  • shift in daily routines
  • peer connection
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