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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents think computer games are better for children and they should be allowed to play more of them. whereas some parents argue that they are harmful to children.Do you think advantages outweight disadvantages.

It has been observed that
,
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 playing
games
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 for
kids
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 is very important though it refreshes their minds.
Although
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,
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 there are a myriad of benefits
as well as
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 drawbacks, few parents believe that online
games
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 are fine for infants and they should allowed to play more of them.
However
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, others think that they are dangerous for them. Both the pros and cons will be discussed in future paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, today's generation is more inclined towards video
games
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 rather than playing outside
due to
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 lots of verities in the market and playing
games
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 on screen or online is
also
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 helping children to make friends from all over the world. To explain, playing online on the
computer
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 is beneficial for
kids
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 as they are interacting with other people in different parts of the world. Which helps them to learn new cultures and languages.
For example
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, a survey conducted in the UK that, around 45 per cent of school
kids
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 are able to speak two different languages through online
games
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.
Thus
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, their family are encouraging them to play
computer
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games
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 to learn more new things.
On the other hand
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, others argue that it is harmful to them and
it
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leads to health problems
such
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 as weak eyesight and mental illness.
For instance
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, a report published in the year 2024 by BBC that more than 38 per cent of individuals have eye issues and mental illness
due to
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 playing
games
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 on computers.
Hence
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, their families are against that because their children are not involved in physical activities.
To conclude
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,
although
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, playing
games
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 on the
computer
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 is harmful to children ,
however
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, online
games
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 are opening a new way of learning for
kids
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. In my opinion, playing
games
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 on the
computer
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 can be more helpful for youngsters.

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task achievement
Expand on your points to provide more depth and ensure that each argument is fully developed. For instance, discussing specific games or types of interactions could strengthen your argument about the positive aspects of gaming.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and phrasing to improve clarity. For example, instead of 'they should allowed,' it should be 'they should be allowed.'
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay. Instead of repeating phrases like 'harmful,' try synonyms like 'detrimental' or 'adverse effects.'
task achievement
You introduced the topic well and provided a clear overview of both sides of the argument.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the survey in the UK, were relevant and added credibility to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The organization of your essay is logical, making it easy to follow your main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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