IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smart phone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

f technology,
people
Use synonyms
 are increasingly relying on their smartphones for communication, entertainment, and information.
However
Linking Words
, when it comes to using phones during leisure
time
Use synonyms
, I believe
this
Linking Words
 trend can be more harmful than beneficial. In my opinion, free
time
Use synonyms
 should be spent on meaningful activities that contribute to personal development and
overall
Linking Words
 well-being.
Firstly
Linking Words
, leisure
time
Use synonyms
 provides a valuable opportunity to disconnect from the pressures of work or study and focus on self-improvement.
Instead
Linking Words
 of spending hours passively browsing through social media, individuals can engage in creative hobbies, physical exercise, or volunteer work. These activities not only enhance mental and physical health but
also
Linking Words
 help
people
Use synonyms
 discover their passions and talents.
For instance
Linking Words
, someone who spends their free
time
Use synonyms
 learning a new language or playing an instrument is likely to gain confidence, discipline, and a sense of accomplishment.
Secondly
Linking Words
, excessive phone use can lead to addiction, which reduces the quality of life. Many
people
Use synonyms
 develop a habit of checking their phones constantly, which can cause distraction, anxiety, and even depression.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, research has shown that heavy screen
time
Use synonyms
 negatively impacts sleep patterns, attention span, and the ability to concentrate. In the long run,
this
Linking Words
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 limits productivity and prevents individuals from reaching their full potential. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 using smartphones occasionally during free
time
Use synonyms
 can be relaxing, overreliance on them is a poor use of
time
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that
people
Use synonyms
 should aim to use their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 for growth, learning, and real-life experiences that enrich their minds and lives.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly connects to the main point you want to make about using smartphones. This will help the reader follow your ideas better.
coherence and cohesion
Consider adding transitions between ideas in your paragraphs to improve flow. For example, use phrases like 'In addition' or 'Furthermore' to guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to give one more specific example or personal story to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more relatable.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the topic, which is important for a good task response.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well written, providing a summary of your ideas, which is great for coherence.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: