IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In many nations, childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
 is an increasing problem. In recent years, there have been many cuisine choices in human life. There
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 variety of delicious
foods
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 and snacks that child can eat in their daily life.
however
Linking Words
, some
foods
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 are very delicious but not good for their health,
for instance
Linking Words
, coke ,french
frice
Correct your spelling
fries
,and hamburger. The child who
consume
Verb problem
apply
show examples
consume
Correct subject-verb agreement
consumes
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 too much junk
food
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cause
Replace the word
causes
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 some serious issues like
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
obesity
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due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 problem ,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 has to spend more on medical expenses to deal with the individual's health problems.
For example
Linking Words
, in the United States, their eating habits were fried
food
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 and some
high calories
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
show examples
foods
Use synonyms
. Most people are keen on eating junk
food
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 ,
for instance
Linking Words
, hamburgers, french fries,and drinks. lead to the
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
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 that many people are fat and have cardiovascular illnesses.
this
Linking Words
 may spend a huge amount on their health care to treat the patient. When the student eats these kinds of
food
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everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 they cannot consume nutrients and grow up very well. It is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important time for children to eat healthy
food
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 when they grow up.
therefore
Linking Words
, the government should convey the idea about choosing healthier
food
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 for children,At the same time parents have to choose the
food
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 which is better for their kids. In my opinion, all the pupils have to eat at school where only healthy and nutrient
foods
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 for the students In conclusion,
obesity
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 may become a serious issue in
recent
Add an article
the recent
show examples
 world,
therefore
Linking Words
, the government should use some ways to deal with the problems like conveying more concepts about healthy
food
Use synonyms
 to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents have to choose the
foods
Use synonyms
 which are good for their kids.

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Task Response
Make sure your introduction clearly states what the essay will discuss and includes a strong thesis statement.
Coherence
Break your essay into clear paragraphs, each focused on one main idea, to help with understanding.
Cohesion
Use proper grammar and spelling to make your writing clearer (e.g., check words like 'frice' should be 'fries' and 'cuisine' in your first sentence).
Task Response
Provide more examples or explanations to support your points, which will strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
You have addressed the issues of childhood obesity and suggested some solutions, which is good for task completion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
What to do next:
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