IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 are
demanded
Verb problem
required
show examples
 to be critical thinkers and good
decision makers
Add a hyphen
decision-makers
show examples
 to tackle challenges in
professional
Correct pronoun usage
their professional
show examples
 and individual lives. One of the skills needed is taking
Add an article
a risk
show examples
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 even
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 has big weaknesses for some
personals
Replace the word
people
show examples
. From my perspective, I believe that opening the doors with
risks
Use synonyms
 in work and daily life
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 great for
self development
Add a hyphen
self-development
show examples
. As a human, we might
experience
Use synonyms
 many significant changes during work or at home.
However
Linking Words
, sometimes it did not run
well
Rephrase
as well
show examples
 as we planned or expected, and even resulted in disadvantages. In business,
for example
Linking Words
, an owner of a cafe who took
bank
Add an article
a bank
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 loan for
instant
Correct article usage
the instant
show examples
 development of her store design had to
experience
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 significant decrease
of
Change preposition
in
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 store income
due to
Linking Words
 unwise
finance
Replace the word
financial
show examples
 management. In
this
Linking Words
 case, some
people
Use synonyms
 covered problems with
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
worst
Correct word choice
worse
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one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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, not
faced
Wrong verb form
facing
show examples
 and
solved
Wrong verb form
solving
show examples
 them correctly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, taking
risks
Use synonyms
let
Correct subject-verb agreement
lets
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 learn and grow for their own living both in professional or regular individual
setting
Fix the agreement mistake
settings
show examples
. Some public implemented
high risk
Add a hyphen
high-risk
show examples
high return
Add a hyphen
high-return
show examples
 principle, meaning that they prevented fear
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 reaching risky tasks.
For instance
Linking Words
, a mother had to let their children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
study abroad in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 country where they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 not visited. Even though many criminals
recorded
Add a missing verb
were recorded
show examples
 in the city which made it vulnerable to
stay by
Verb problem
apply
show examples
someone with zero
experience
Use synonyms
, a parent believed that the meaningfulness after the study finished more than her worry.
Advantages
Correct article usage
The advantages
show examples
 of taking
risks
Use synonyms
 allow some
people
Use synonyms
gained
Change the verb form
to gain
show examples
 more significant development in their lives
although
Linking Words
 problems will always
be shown
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 up unexpectedly. I believe that gaining
experience
Use synonyms
 with
risks
Use synonyms
 will
be paid
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
 off the worries of disadvantages behind it.

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coherence and cohesion
Make your main points clearer by using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This helps the reader understand what each paragraph is about.
task achievement
Try to give more examples to explain your points better. This will help show your ideas more clearly.
grammar and vocabulary
Be careful with grammar and word choice. For example, 'some personals' should be 'some people'. Also, 'a mother had to let their children' should be 'a mother had to let her children.'
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about taking risks and how it helps in life.
task achievement
You included examples to support your ideas, which is great for explaining your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: