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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

in some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some traditions, kids are often told that they should try hard enough if they want to achieve anything.
While
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 there are some clear benefits to
this
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 development, it
also
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 brings several notable drawbacks.
This
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 essay will examine both sides of the issue. On the positive side, one key advantage is that when kids are incentivised to try harder to achieve their goals, they will be able to do more.
Additionally
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, teaching young children to always try their best has many beneficial impacts on their personal development,
such
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 as growing up with solid goals and working toward them;
this
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 will eventually contribute to their personal growth.
For example
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, a study conducted by Oxford University in 2011 found that children who are advised to work hard to achieve everything they want are becoming more confident with their accomplishments and have solid personalities.
However
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,
this
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 trend is not without its disadvantages. One major concern is that children will think that everything is achievable despite being realistic or even considering different circumstances.
This
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 could lead to disappointment for not achieving everything they worked for.
Moreover
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, it is important to recognize that life has various paths for everyone and we are not always meant to get things we worked hard for. To illustrate
this
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, people follow diverse directions and reach their goals at varying times, influenced by factors
such
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 as background, resources, and life experiences. In conclusion,
although
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 incentivising kids has certain benefits, its drawbacks must not be overlooked.
Therefore
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, a balanced approach is essential when considering its future implications.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly state your main points in each paragraph to improve the structure.
task achievement
Include more examples to support your points, which will strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs better for a smoother flow.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear overview of the topic.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example from Oxford University, which supports your point well.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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