IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, governments and individuals spend too much money on national celebrations such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some believe that the
people
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 and
governments
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 of several nations spend disproportionately on celebrating religious and cultural festivals. I disagree because for
governments
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,
such
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 an expense is an investment which helps attract
tourism
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 and for individual citizens, it is quality time spent with their loved ones. National
celebrations
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, funded by
governments
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, pay off through increased
tourism
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 revenue. A cultural experience through
celebrations
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 directly impacts the seasonality of
tourism
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 in a country. These tourists end up spending on hotels, restaurants, transportation and other related regional experiences.
This
Linking Words
 expenditure can make up for large portions of a country’s GDP, often easily recovering
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 initial investment. A classic example would be the government of Dubai spending millions of Dirhams on a
firework
Fix the agreement mistake
fireworks
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 display on New
Years
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Year's
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 Eve. These
celebrations
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 bring in millions of
people
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 from all over the world, who end up spending a lot of money on hotels, food, alcohol, shopping, and other experiences in Dubai. The event
also
Linking Words
 garners immeasurable media attention from around the world, which ensures
overall
Linking Words
 goodwill for future
tourism
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. For citizens, national
celebrations
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 are the perfect opportunity to reconnect with friends and family. Time spent with loved ones is priceless. National
celebrations
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 provide an opportunity for
people
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 to reconnect with the
people
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 they love, building community and creating memories.
Peoples’
Check wording
People’s
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 expense on
such
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 events usually indicates their willingness to buy time spent with family and
hence
Linking Words
 is a completely reasonable expense. In Ireland,
people
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 save money the whole month of March for Saint Patrick’s Day
celebrations
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.
This
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 involves, normally, spending a huge amount of money on alcohol, but many believe it is worth the cost
considering
Punctuation problem
, considering
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 they get to spend the whole day with friends and family. In conclusion, I disagree that too much is spent on national holidays because it gives
governments
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 a huge return on investment
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is the best opportunity for
people
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 to reconnect with their friends and family.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect your ideas better. This will help your essay flow more smoothly.
task achievement
Make sure to explain your main points more clearly. Some of them could use a bit more detail to make them stronger.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion and sets up the essay well. The conclusion also nicely summarizes your main points.
task achievement
You provided good examples to support your points, like the case of Dubai and Ireland, which makes your argument stronger.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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