IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

In recent years, the issue of more manufacturing
products
Use synonyms
 containing high levels of
sugar
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,
Correct word choice
as which
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which
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 causes many health problems. If sugary
products
Use synonyms
 should be made more expensive to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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, it has sparked heated debate. From my perspective, I completely disagree with making sugary
products
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 more expensive to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons why I agree is that making sugary
products
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 expensive can’t completely make
people
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 consume less
sugar
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.
This
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 is because a lot of
people
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 who eat high-
sugar
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 foods develop a dependence on sugary
products
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, so that they will choose other ways
to
Verb problem
apply
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instead
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.
For instance
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, those smokers would not stop smoking
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although
Punctuation problem
, although
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 the sentence Smoking is harmful to health is on
cigarette
Correct article usage
the cigarette
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 package.
As a result
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, a rise in price would not affect
individuals
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 who are addicted to sugary
, so
Check wording
foods, so
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 it can’t completely make
people
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 consume less
sugar
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.
Furthermore
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, another compelling argument in
favor
Use the right word
favour
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 of
this
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 view is that it is unfair to low-income
individuals
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. Indeed, it will enhance the living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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 of low-income
individuals
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 and have no influence on rich
people
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. It is because
Consuming
Fix capitalization
consuming
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sugar
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 is the
basic
Replace the word
basis
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 of diet, and it is
also
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 a
main
Correct word choice
major
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 cost of living spending of low-income
people
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. When the price of sugary
products
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 rises, the
life
Replace the word
living
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 costs of their area should be reduced to ensure their
life
Correct word choice
normal life
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normally
Rephrase
apply
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,
subsequently
Linking Words
 resulting in other physical problems. For
those
Correct determiner usage
the
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rich
Add a comma
rich,
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 they had more money
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 it would be more chances to avoid
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Such
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
an
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 approach would only affect low-income
individuals
Use synonyms
 and
no
Verb problem
have no
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 influence on wealthy
people
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, even if it
will
Wrong verb form
would
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cost
Verb problem
alleviate
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 the physical problem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 low-income
people
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. In conclusion, I firmly believe that I disagree with making sugary
products
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 more expensive to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. Only by reducing intake
high-
Change preposition
of high-sugar
show examples
sugar
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products
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 can we consume less
sugar
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 and reduce health problems.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main points in your introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better and improve flow.
task achievement
Provide clear examples that relate directly to your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
The author attempts to discuss different aspects of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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