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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The first table illustrates modifications in the
overall
Linking Words
population
Use synonyms
 of New York
City
Use synonyms
 between 1800 and 2000. The second and third tables demonstrate modifications in the
population
Use synonyms
 of the five various of the
city
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
Manhattan
Change preposition
of Manhattan
show examples
, Brooklyn, Bronx , Queens, Staten Island over the same duration.
Overall
Linking Words
, based on the data in the table,
among
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
each
city
Use synonyms
the
Verb problem
has the
show examples
 highest
population
Use synonyms
 in the
city
Use synonyms
 of
other
Fix the agreement mistake
another
show examples
 district. The least
Use synonyms
population
Replace the word
populous city
show examples
 in the
city
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
Manhattan
Change preposition
of Manhattan
show examples
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to other
Use synonyms
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
. In terms of all five districts total
population
Use synonyms
 the highest popular in 2000 bun the least popular
population
Use synonyms
in
Verb problem
was in
show examples
 1800.
Firstly
Linking Words
, let us take a look at
Manhattan
Use synonyms
1,538,096
Punctuation problem
, 1,538,096
show examples
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
a population
show examples
, as 19
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
population
Use synonyms
. In
Manhattan
Use synonyms
most
Punctuation problem
, most
show examples
 least
population
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 approximately 60,515, as 76% percent of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
population
Use synonyms
. Other
district
Fix the agreement mistake
districts
show examples
Linking Words
that
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
is
Use the right word
as
show examples
 Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island the greatest
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
population
Use synonyms
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 6,471,089 in 2000, as 81
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
population
Use synonyms
. The smallest
population
Use synonyms
 18,701 in 1800.
Secondly
Linking Words
, in New York
City
Use synonyms
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, overall
show examples
overall
Punctuation problem
overall,
show examples
 the most populated group with 8,009,185 in 2000, but the smallest
population
Use synonyms
 with 79,216 in 1800.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, city, manhattan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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