IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the government should invest more in promoting a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness, rather than spending money on treating people who are already sick. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Health is one of the most important aspects of human life and a key indicator of a country’s development.Many people believe that authorities should invest in advertising for a healthy lifestyle rather than wasting money on curing people who suffer from medical conditions. I strongly agree with
this
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 view because I personally believe that governments have a great impact on society members they can make changes in their lives. On one hand,states can promote
forhealthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 habits by using the social media power to launch campaigns that focus on raising public awareness. They should hold seminars in the most visited public places ,
such
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 as shopping centres and supermarkets , to educate individuals about the importance of following a healthy diet.
Moreover
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, decision makers should do physical activities and exercises as much as possible , especially for youngsters who are more likely to benefit.
As a result
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, governments should keep up the hard work so they can build a well-being society.
On the other hand
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, governments should implement harsh rules that state no smoking at all , and those who smoke should pay fines so that they don't smoke again.
In addition
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, they must reduce the
amount
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number
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 of places that sell junk food so they can prevent the excessive intake of these kinds of food ,
such
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 as burgers, pizzas and pastas that don't contain any nutritional value. The rates will decline
due to
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 building alternative restaurants that serve healthy meals and snacks that are high in protein and other important nutrients that humans need. In conclusion,
although
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 funding disordered people's treatments and cures is a very important thing but In my opinion I believe putting more effort on enhancing public health now is more effective.

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task response
Your introduction should clearly outline both sides of the argument. Try to restate the question in your own words for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas with linking words like 'firstly', 'furthermore', and 'in addition'. This helps the reader follow your argument better.
task response
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This can help make your argument clearer and more effective.
task response
You have a strong opinion on the topic and support it well with your ideas.
task response
You raised important points about using social media and public events to promote health.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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