IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is argued that
children
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 should be motivated to be competitive,
while
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 others feel that teaching them to be cooperative will be more valuable as they enter adulthood. I believe that
while
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competition
Use synonyms
 can help
children
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 be successful, cooperation is more important because it teaches them to work within a team, a crucial adult skill. On the one hand, encouraging a
sense
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 of
competition
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 can cultivate resilience and perseverance in
children
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, equipping them with the skills needed to succeed in a competitive job market.
For example
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, a study published by NewYork University illustrates that the job market today has a massive candidates with academic backgrounds in a variety of fields, but the available positions are limited to be able fit all of them,
as a result
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 , having a
sense
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 of
competition
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 from a younger age will help them once they enter the workforce in the future. Despite that, I would argue that
children
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 require lessons on teamwork more than the will to win.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, promoting cooperation teaches
children
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 valuable interpersonal skills,
such
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 as empathy, teamwork, and effective communication, which are essential in both personal and professional relationships. Through working with others,
children
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 learn not only how to respect different opinions but
also
Linking Words
 how to pool their strengths.
For instance
Linking Words
, preschools include cooperation as one of the first skills in their curriculum as they recognise that it is a vital social skill in all spheres of life. I
therefore
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 believe that teaching
children
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 to work with others is more important than giving them a
sense
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 of
competition
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. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 instilling a
sense
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 of
competition
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 in
children
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 can help them succeed,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think
Teaching
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teaching
show examples
children
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 to be cooperative gives them the ability to work as part of a team, which is far more valuable later in life.

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task response
In your introduction, make the topic clearer by briefly stating the main argument of both sides. This helps set up the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences in the paragraph support that idea. This will improve logical flow.
task response
Try to use a wider range of examples to support your points. Include more specific details to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Check for small grammatical errors such as capitalization at the beginning of sentences and proper punctuation.
task response
You have clearly presented both views on competition and cooperation, which shows you understand the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main point, making your opinion clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sense of competition
  • encourage
  • cooperate
  • useful adults
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • motivation
  • goals
  • excellence
  • work ethic
  • personal accountability
  • interpersonal skills
  • empathy
  • teamwork
  • effective communication
  • community
  • belonging
  • emotional well-being
  • globalized
  • interconnected
  • collaborate
  • balanced approach
  • individual achievement
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