IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is argued that folks should pay more for health insurance when they get a disease
due to
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 their irresponsible lifestyles and less nutritious meals. In my opinion,
this
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 statement has both positive and negative aspects in about equal measure, with the two reasons: a lack of self-control and an uncontrollable
work
Use synonyms
 environment. To start with, unorganised lifestyles and unhealthy meals are generally controllable, which means you can become healthier with a better quality of life if you always try to keep in mind that
such
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 lifestyles and diets affect your body.
In other words
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, a lack of self-regulation ,
such
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 as overeating, can directly have a negative impact on your body system, resulting in obesity and diabetes.
For instance
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, some statistics say that in 2020, 70% of the residents living in New York, in the U.S., had fast food ten times a week as their main meals.
On the other hand
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, some occupations with irregular
work
Use synonyms
 hours,
such
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 as doctors and nurses, should be an exception
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
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 situation.
This
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 is because those with
such
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 careers tend to
work
Use synonyms
 for long hours with random working shifts , like night shifts and morning shifts. These time-related elements can lead them to have a lack of sleep and eat quickly
due to
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work
Use synonyms
.
For example
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,
according to
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 a poll conducted by the Japanese government in 2016 in Japan, two-thirds of medical practitioners in Shiga said that they got sick three times a month,
such
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 as feeling nauseous and mentally depressed
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 of their long workload.
To sum up
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, some people say that it is their responsibility to pay more money for health care when a disease starts to undermine their body. Even though there are pros and cons to
this
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 topic, I think that governments should allocate more funds to their residents.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph is clearly about one main point.
task achievement
Use more clear examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Try to have a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points clearly.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples that relate to your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • burden
  • lifestyle-related diseases
  • healthcare systems
  • personal responsibility
  • preventable diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • ethical considerations
  • penalizing
  • discrimination
  • socio-economic groups
  • deterrent
  • health education
  • financial penalties
  • health inequalities
  • access to healthcare
  • preventive medicine
  • public health goals
  • promoting healthy lifestyles
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