IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Introduction
It is argued that folks should pay more for
health
Use synonyms
 insurance when they get a disease
due to
Linking Words
 their irresponsible lifestyles and less nutritious meals. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because it is unaffordable for some people , like children , to cover their insurance, and because it is inevitable for medical workers to follow unhealthy lifestyles
due to
Linking Words
 their
work
Use synonyms
 conditions.
Body paragraph 1
To start with, people with less money tend to purchase cheaper food ,
such
Linking Words
 as fast food ,
due to
Linking Words
 their financial situation.
This
Linking Words
 can negatively affect their
health
Use synonyms
, because that type of food contains a lot of fat and calories, resulting in
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
health
Use synonyms
 issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and cardiovascular diseases.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the U.S., one-third of elementary school children grew up in a family with low income, which caused them to eat McDonald’s every day, leading them to become sick and to go see a doctor regularly.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
, some occupations with irregular
work
Use synonyms
 hours,
such
Linking Words
 as doctors and nurses, might
also
Linking Words
 be more prone a disease .
This
Linking Words
 is because those with
such
Linking Words
 careers tend to
work
Use synonyms
 for long hours with random working shifts in a day and a night. These time-related elements can negatively contribute to a lack of sleep and quick consumption of meals in a short lunch break.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a poll conducted by the Japanese government in 2016 in Japan, two-thirds of medical practitioners in Shiga said that they get sick three times a month,
such
Linking Words
 as high blood pressure and depression , because of a short time to sleep and to eat.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, some people say that it is their responsibility to pay more money for
health
Use synonyms
 care when a disease starts to undermine their body because of their unhealthy lifestyles and eating habits. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
, because of the unaffordability of payment for some types of residents and because of the unrealistic
work
Use synonyms
 environment of some jobs.

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task response
State a clear answer in the opening sentence and restate it in the conclusion.
content structure
Make each paragraph have one main idea and give more detail or examples for that idea.
coherence
Link ideas well with simple joining words so the text flows better.
content
Check facts and avoid big claims without proof.
language
Use shorter sentences to keep the writing clear and easy to read.
argument
Clear stance against the idea from the start.
coherence
Good use of transition phrases to show flow.
content
Some examples are linked to the point and show effort to use data.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • burden
  • lifestyle-related diseases
  • healthcare systems
  • personal responsibility
  • preventable diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • ethical considerations
  • penalizing
  • discrimination
  • socio-economic groups
  • deterrent
  • health education
  • financial penalties
  • health inequalities
  • access to healthcare
  • preventive medicine
  • public health goals
  • promoting healthy lifestyles
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