IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
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Recently, there has been a concern raised that hard
work
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 and
determination
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 have an essential role in
people
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's
success
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,
while
Linking Words
 others presume that
money
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 and
appearance
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 are more necessary.
This
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 writer is more inclined toward the initial view and will explain the reasons in the following paragraphs. There is no denying that hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are vital factors to
success
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, as they are beneficial in the productive working and ambition of
people
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. It is normal to say that hard
work
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 is by means of promoting
people
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 to
work
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 effectively, as they gain worthwhile experience after committing a foul over and over again.
Moreover
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,
determination
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 draws
people
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 to focus on their ambitions, as it is presented as incentives that encourage
people
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 to reach their goals. Indeed, the act of setting out exerts a positive view about saving time and efficiency in working,
also
Linking Words
 it involves a list of priority plans for
people
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 to know what to precede.
Therefore
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, the combination of hard
work
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 and
determination
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 is in favour of shortening the road to
success
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.
Nevertheless
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, there are arguments about the power of
money
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 and capturing
appearance
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 are major contributions to
success
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. Simple as there may be,
people
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 have to spend a massive amount of time and
money
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 on
appearance
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 care and to save a fortune.
However
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, the
money
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 and time they spend are valuable,
in other words
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, these
people
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 often gain respect from their counterparts and have a better evaluation than those who do not.
As a consequence
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, improved
appearance
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 and financial availability are a real help for creating new relationships and
also
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 contribute to one's promotion. On balance, there are many factors that affect the pace of
success
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. For the most part, hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are the most striking factors that have a better impact than
money
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 and
appearance
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.
Furthermore
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,
money
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 and
appearance
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 are not always available as they are time-consuming and depend a lot on different conditions
such
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 as family and social position.

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement is present in the introduction, briefly outlining your viewpoint and the main reasons for it. This will help readers understand your stance from the beginning.
Task Achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully with specific examples or evidence. This can strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your paragraphs clearly with one main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the idea you will discuss.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, however, therefore) effectively to link ideas within and across paragraphs. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion in a fresh way.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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