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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Some
parents
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 want the best for their
children
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,so they tell their
children
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 to put more effort into achieving to
parents
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' goals.In
this
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 essay will be discussed the benefits and drawbacks of
this
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 statement. On the one hand, motivating your
children
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 and supporting them is the best way to build their future life.
To begin
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 with,many mothers want their
children
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 to become doctors or engineers,in order to, have a high salary and be independent of others in adulthood.
In addition
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,many researches showed that those
children
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 who were motivated and supported by their family in childhood are more likely to work in high-ranked jobs.
Furthermore
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, showing them that they achieve everything whatever they want can create strong self-confidence.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 should not encourage their
children
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 to do impossible things if they do not have a chance to support them in the future.To start with, many people want their
children
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 to be wealthier than them,
however
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,telling and sometimes forcing them to become someone they do not want can destroy the child's mental state and lead to suicide.
For example
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 ,in recent years a female student who believed in herself could not pass the exam with high marks and left a message about "how she can look at her father's face with shame" before her suicide. In conclusion,supporting your
children
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 is the best thing which
parents
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 can
,
Add a missing verb
do,however
show examples
however
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, making them believe in something that they could not make the
children
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 suffer in the future.It is not always recommended to encourage teens to do what they do not want,because,it will result in depression

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task achievement
Ensure you address both sides of the discussion equally. While you have discussed both the advantages and disadvantages, the development of each could be more balanced.
task achievement
Avoid overgeneralizations without evidence, especially in serious topics (e.g., linking failure to suicide). Use hypothetical examples carefully to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Improve coherence by clearly organizing your essay into paragraphs, each with a single main idea. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Work on sentence structure and punctuation to reduce errors and increase the clarity of your writing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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