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Band 6

some people believe that it is the best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet

There is a debate over who should be responsible for encouraging
children
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 to stop eating unhealthy
food
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, some saying that
teachers
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 have a higher
influence
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 on
children
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,
while
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 others believe that
parents
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 can only control their
children
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 with their healthy
diet
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. From my personal statement, I believe that
parents
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 can
influence
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 eating balanced foods rather than a poor
diet
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. There is a point that most
teachers
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 do not have good experience with
children
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's balanced
diet
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,
for
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this
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 reason, they can not provide rules for them not to eat unhealthy foods.
Although
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teachers
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 should ensure
children
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 eat healthily,
this
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 is not a practical expectation.
Teachers
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 already have heavy workloads, including preparing lessons, grading, and managing classroom behaviour. Adding the responsibility of monitoring
children
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's diets would distract them from their main role, which is education.
Moreover
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,
teachers
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 only interact with students during school hours, meaning their
influence
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 is limited after lots of lessons in one day. Even if a teacher encourages healthy eating,
children
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 may still consume harmful foods or drinks at home, which efforts less effective.
Therefore
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, relying on
teachers
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 alone to shape
children
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's eating
habits
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 is unrealistic. Undoubtedly,
parents
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 play a much more significant role in guiding their
children
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's diets.
For instance
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,
parents
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 decide what
food
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 is purchased and cooked at home, which in fact affects
children
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's daily eating
habits
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.
For example
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, if
parents
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 follow by on their juveniles' eating
habits
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 and keep them on that step always, that time
children
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 are more likely to develop good
habits
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 from an early age.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 are more likely to have friends who eat only healthy
food
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 and only step to that side, so that time
children
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 can have some desire to do the same.
This
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 long-term, consistent
influence
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 makes
parents
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 the most effective role models for encouraging eating
habits
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. In conclusion,
while
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teachers
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 can raise awareness about a healthy
diet
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, they cannot realistically control what
children
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 eat.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 have a much greater
influence
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 because they provide
food
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, set an example and guide
children
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's behaviour at home.
Therefore
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, I strongly believe that
parents
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 have a good experience in avoiding
children
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 from unhealthy
diet
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habits
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.

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coherence
Link ideas more clearly with shorter, easy links between sentences and paragraphs.
grammar
Use simple grammar and fix mistakes in long sentences.
content
Give more concrete and simple examples to show your point.
stance
The view is clear in the end and stated.
content
It shows why teachers have a smaller role in diet.
structure
The essay is easy to read because the plan is clear: intro, 2 bodies, and a conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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