IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The government should spend more money on promoting the healthy lifestyle than on treating illnesses. Do you agree or disagree

Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the government should invest more money
on teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
 citizens to
aware
Verb problem
be aware
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy lifestyle
instead
Linking Words
 of curing illnesses,
while
Linking Words
 others hold the opposite view. I completely agree with that idea, as it not only
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the number of cases in hospitals, but
also
Linking Words
 it
also
Linking Words
 it
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
Use synonyms
people'
Check wording
people's
show examples
 lives. On the one hand, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who go to
hospital
Correct article usage
the hospital
show examples
 is increasing
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it costs the government so much money
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the best solution to
this
Linking Words
 problem is to increase the general knowledge of
people
Use synonyms
 by giving them the opportunity to visit the hospitals and see how others suffer from inappropriate
habits
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
furthermore
Fix capitalization
Furthermore
show examples
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 one state of the USA, they let secondary school students
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
go to a prison and see what
alchool
Correct your spelling
alcohol
 did to the prisoners;
as a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 visit really
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 opinion about drinking
alchool
Correct your spelling
alcohol
. On the
onther
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, promoting information about unhealthy
habits
Use synonyms
 is essential, because some
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 do not know about the results of what they are doing;
therefore
Linking Words
, they will be sick and they will learn after they
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 sick .
For example
Linking Words
, a study held in 2010 showed that a plethora of
people
Use synonyms
quited
Correct your spelling
quit
 smoking after they
heared
Correct your spelling
heard
 a session about how smoking increases the
posibility
Correct your spelling
possibility
 of getting lung cancer.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government should promote good
habits
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as walking or swimming and the
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 of
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
habits
Use synonyms
 to motivate
people
Use synonyms
.
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
 conclusion, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea
due to
Linking Words
 its
advantges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 on
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 health, since the number of sick
people
Use synonyms
 is decreased after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
promoting and they live a great life with their families without any kind of illnesses.

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Task response
Be clear about your view in the first paragraph and again at the end. State your stance in a simple way.
Coherence and cohesion
Plan your answer. Use a simple map: intro, two clear body points, then conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect ideas and start new ideas with small words like First, Also, but, Then.
Grammar
Check grammar and spelling a lot. Look at subject-verb and plural forms, and correct word ending.
Lexical resource
Use common words. Try not to use hard or long words. Check spellings, like 'alcohol' and 'benefits'.
Task response
Give stronger, clear examples that fit the claim. Explain how each example helps the point.
Task response
The view is clear and easy for readers to follow.
Lexical resource
Some good examples like walking and swimming are used.
Coherence and cohesion
Intro and conclusion show essay form, which is good.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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