IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

One of the consequences of the improved medical care is that people are living longer , and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages

In recent years, there has been a constant debate about the effect of medical
advancement
Use synonyms
 on the lives of
people
Use synonyms
. Most
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of medical
invention
Use synonyms
 outweigh its
drawbacks
Use synonyms
 because of the increase in
life
Use synonyms
 span and an experienced and knowledgeable workforce,
while
Linking Words
 others opine that it has a negative impact
due to
Linking Words
 its
drawbacks
Use synonyms
 ,
such
Linking Words
 as straining healthcare and national
resources
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with the former perspective , which states that the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of medical
advancement
Use synonyms
 outweigh its risks. There are various
benefits
Use synonyms
 of medical inventions to mankind. One of the major
benefits
Use synonyms
 is the opportunity to pursue a skill or career.
For example
Linking Words
, A person diagnosed with stage 1 cancer can live a good and successful
life
Use synonyms
 by receiving the treatment ,
such
Linking Words
 as radiation.
Also
Linking Words
, the vaccines created through medical research can be used to prevent dangerous diseases.
This
Linking Words
 shows how medical
invention
Use synonyms
 and
advancement
Use synonyms
 provide
people
Use synonyms
 with opportunities to learn new skills, pursue hobbies and contribute to society. Another major benefit is increased
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy. With the recent medical inventions, the
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
 has increased. Many
people
Use synonyms
 are given more time to spend with their families and loved ones, which strengthens family bonds and relationships.
Overall
Linking Words
 ,the
benefits
Use synonyms
 explained above are the reasons why I strongly believe the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of advancements outweigh their
drawbacks
Use synonyms
. Admittedly , there are some
drawbacks
Use synonyms
 that can't be ignored. One of them is the strain on the healthcare and national
resources
Use synonyms
. As we know, older individuals require more medical care and support , which may put a strain on the health system and its
resources
Use synonyms
. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
 , A recent study showed that most developing countries do not have the
resources
Use synonyms
 to take care of the ageing population.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the increased
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy rate may have a negative effect on the workforce of the economy because there will be fewer jobs available for young
people
Use synonyms
,
hence
Linking Words
 creating economic problems for the country.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 the consequences of medical
advancement
Use synonyms
 cause a strain on the healthcare sector, workforce and national
resources
Use synonyms
 of the country. I strongly believe that the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of medical
invention
Use synonyms
 still outweigh the
drawbacks
Use synonyms
 because medical
invention
Use synonyms
 leads to an increased
life
Use synonyms
 span, opportunities to pursue dreams and
overall
Linking Words
 development of the country

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your plan clear before you write. Add more detail to each idea with a simple example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with small joining words so the writing flows well.
grammar
Check spelling and space. Fix extra spaces before commas and after words.
task response
Finish with a strong closing line that repeats your view and gives a final thought.
strength
Clear view that shows you agree with the idea.
structure
Good layout with an intro, body and conclusion.
content
Uses simple examples like cancer treatment and vaccines.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
What to do next:
Look at other essays: