IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Due to grow of obesity among children. Most of people started to seek determination of this problem. to what extend do you agree or disagree

It is increasingly observed that
obesity
Use synonyms
 among
children
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 is rising at an alarming rate. Many people are concerned about
this
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 issue and are actively seeking ways to address it. I fully agree that immediate measures are necessary to tackle
this
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 growing problem.
This
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 essay will discuss the main causes of childhood
obesity
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 and propose effective solutions.
To begin
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 with, unhealthy dietary habits are a major contributor to childhood
obesity
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.
Children
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 are often attracted to junk
foods
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such
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 as candies, pizza, cakes, and fried items, which are high in processed fats and sugars. These
foods
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 provide excessive calories that the body cannot efficiently burn, leading to weight gain.
In addition
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, many
children
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 prefer eating at restaurants rather than at home, which exposes them to
foods
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 with even higher sugar and fat content.
For example
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, recent surveys indicate that a significant number of
children
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 are obese
due to
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 poor eating habits.
Furthermore
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, a lack of physical activity exacerbates the problem, as many
children
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 spend most of their time playing indoor games or using electronic devices. Addressing
this
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 issue requires a multifaceted approach.
Firstly
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, parents should regulate their
children
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’s diet and limit screen time to encourage more active lifestyles. Schools should make participation in physical activities compulsory for all students, ensuring that
children
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 get adequate exercise.
Secondly
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, governments and health authorities must play an active role in regulating unhealthy
foods
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.
This
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 can include banning high-sugar items, enforcing strict food safety standards, and requiring nutritional information on all packaged
foods
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 to help consumers make informed choices.
Additionally
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, restaurants could serve food to
children
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 only under adult supervision, promoting responsible eating habits. In conclusion, childhood
obesity
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 is a pressing problem that demands immediate attention. Both parents and the government have essential roles to play in combating
this
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 issue. By promoting healthy diets, encouraging physical activity, and regulating harmful food products, it is possible to reduce
obesity
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 rates and safeguard
children
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’s health.

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task response
Be sure to show your view at the start. Say if you agree or disagree in one line. Then give clear, linked reasons.
coherence
Link ideas with smooth words and keep one idea in each paragraph. Use clear order: first, next, and finally.
evidence
Add a real example with some details. If possible, use numbers or facts to back up a claim.
overall
The essay has a clear view and a good plan.
coherence
Each paragraph has a main idea and link words are used.
content
There is support for ideas with reasons.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • child
  • children
  • problem
  • cause
  • reason
  • data
  • fact
  • plan
  • policy
  • rule
  • law
  • ad
  • ads
  • eat
  • food
  • healthy
  • unhealthy
  • junk
  • meal
  • exercise
  • play
  • move
  • time
  • screen
  • family
  • school
  • government
  • home
  • city
  • measure
  • progress
  • prevent
  • risk
  • health
  • wellbeing
  • agree
  • disagree
  • partly
  • balance
  • effect
  • support
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