IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?

Among medical researchers, the proper approach to health has been discussed for many years. Nowadays, it goes without saying that it is better to prevent health issues than treat them. I partially agree with
this
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 statement. The importance of
prevention
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 dates back to the discovery of the first vaccines against
illnesses
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such
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 as polio and influenza, which enhanced people’s immunity and life expectancy. Once vaccines became widely available, more individuals were able to fight severe medical conditions and considerably improve their quality of life.
For example
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, in the
past
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past,
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 only one child out of five was likely to survive in good physical condition. Thanks to vaccination programmes, children today are about 40% more likely to survive to their next birthday compared with a scenario without vaccines, showing the dramatic impact of immunisation.
Furthermore
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, authorities should allocate public funds to social campaigns to raise awareness of
prevention
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. The more authorities encourage residents to have regular check-ups, exercise, and maintain a balanced diet, the better. Scandinavian nations are good examples of
this
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 trend, as many families take part in activities
such
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 as cross-country skiing. Recent research shows that in some Scandinavian
nations
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nations,
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 the average number of medical consultations has decreased by about 12% over the
last
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 five years.
However
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, even though many preventive solutions exist, some health concerns require medical intervention. Advanced treatments
such
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 as long-term chemotherapy for severe
illnesses
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 like cancer or modern genetic therapies are indispensable. A balanced healthcare system
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Punctuation problem
, therefore
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therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
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 requires both
prevention
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 and treatment to deal with major
illnesses
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 and possible outbreaks of infectious disorders.
To sum up
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,
although
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prevention
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 can help societies maintain better well-being and reduce
illnesses
Use synonyms
, it is equally important to provide proper medical treatment. Only a balanced approach can ensure a high standard of healthcare for the entire population.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. You say you partly agree, but you do not clearly say how much money should go to prevention and how much to treatment.
task response
Add one more direct idea about government funding. The question is about where money should go, so write more about funding, not only about health in general.
task response
Some examples sound weak or not fully safe, like the point about one child out of five. Use simple and clear examples that are easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow, but you can make links between ideas stronger by using clearer words like first, also, however, and so.
coherence and cohesion
The second body part is about prevention in general, but it could connect more clearly to the main question about state spending.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear topic, which is good. To make support better, explain each example a bit more.
coherence and cohesion
You give a clear introduction and a clear end, and both match your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical order: prevention first, then the need for treatment.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue, so your response feels balanced.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which helps the reader understand your points.
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