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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children should take part time job in their free time or they should totally focus on their studies. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

There is no denying the fact that
work
Use synonyms
 is an important aspect of human life, it can keep them busy and increase their sense of responsibility.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that children should invest their free
time
Use synonyms
 in a job, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 idea.
This
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 essay will analyse the topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, kids who prefer to spend their free
time
Use synonyms
 working will be prepared more than the other children for their future jobs.
In other words
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, they will have a better understanding of the concept of jobs and will interact with various personalities.
Moreover
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,
this
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 will result in enhancing their social skills by dealing with different kinds of people every day and increasing their reliance on themselves.
For example
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, when I was a child, I used to
work
Use synonyms
 at my uncle’s shop every summer vacation,
this
Linking Words
 occupation helped a lot in understanding my personality.
Also
Linking Words
, I gained many characteristics
such
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 as patience, and discipline, through meeting numerous customers every day.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 may have a negative impact on them by adhering themselves to
work
Use synonyms
, which will contribute to neglecting studies. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that most of their attention will be on
work
Use synonyms
, because
work
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 has incentives
such
Linking Words
 as money,
while
Linking Words
 school will make them only study.
In addition
Linking Words
, the most enjoyable thing in kids’ lives is their relationship with their friends, so if they spend their
time
Use synonyms
 studying and working
this
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 may cause them to lose their friendships.
For example
Linking Words
, I had a friend in elementary school, and he was one of the most outstanding students, when he decided to
work
Use synonyms
 his grades went down significantly, which resulted in him being expelled from the school. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that children should focus on one thing, so they cannot
work
Use synonyms
 and study at the same
time
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, if they want to
work
Use synonyms
, they can
work
Use synonyms
 on vacations.

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task achievement
The introduction presents the topic clearly and outlines the main points that will be discussed, which is good. However, you could further enhance clarity by restingate both sides more explicitly, indicating that you will express your opinion clearly in relation to the discussed points.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay is mostly coherent, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try using more linking words or phrases to connect the sentences and paragraphs better, which can help to improve the flow of your ideas.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant but could benefit from a bit more detail or explanation to maximize their impact. When reflecting on personal experiences, ensuring they are directly tied to the argument can enhance the overall effectiveness of your examples. Try to weave them in more integrally into your arguments.
task achievement
You have made a commendable effort to present both sides of the argument and supported your ideas with relevant personal experiences. This adds a unique perspective to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main point, indicating a clear stance based on the discussions previously laid out within the essay.
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