IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience

Some
people
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 believe that spending a lot of
money
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 on wedding
parties
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, birthday
parties
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 and other
celebrations
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 is a waste of
money
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.
However
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, others think that
such
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events
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 are necessary for individuals and society.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before explaining my opinion that
celebrations
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 can be important because they allow
people
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 to express their social status and share happiness with their friends and the wider community. One reason why some
people
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 think spending a lot of
money
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 on
celebrations
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 is wasteful is that the event only lasts for a short time.
For example
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, wedding
parties
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 or birthday
celebrations
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 usually take place for only a few hours, but they can cost a huge amount of
money
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. In many cases, couples spend excessively on decorations, luxurious venues, and expensive catering. Some
people
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 even hold large
celebrations
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 to show their social status rather than to enjoy the moment with their loved ones.
As a result
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, the
money
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 used for these
events
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 could be better spent on more important things,
such
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 as saving for the future or supporting the family.
Celebrations
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such
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 as weddings and birthday
parties
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 allow
people
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 to share happiness with family and friends. These
events
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 bring
people
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 together and strengthen social relationships.
For instance
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, a wedding ceremony is not only about the couple but
also
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 about uniting two families and creating meaningful memories.
In addition
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,
celebrations
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 can be an opportunity for communities to gather and maintain cultural traditions.
Therefore
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,
although
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 these
events
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 may require some expenses, many
people
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 believe they are valuable and meaningful. In conclusion,
although
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 spending a lot of
money
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 on
celebrations
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 can be considered a waste of
money
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, these
events
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 may still be important for individuals to express their social status.
Moreover
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,
celebrations
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 allow
people
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 to share happiness with family and friends and create meaningful memories that are more valuable than
money
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.

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task response
Make your opinion more clear in the body, not only in the intro and end.
task response
Explain the idea about social status more, because now it feels a bit weak.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words a bit more carefully so each idea grows step by step.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, but some points need more detail and support.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and develop it fully.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your intro and conclusion are both clear and present.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph structure and is easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • extravagant
  • frivolous
  • lavish
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • consumerism
  • unrealistic
  • social bonds
  • milestones
  • local businesses
  • celebrate
  • memorable
  • nostalgic
  • cherish
  • community
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