IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Students leave high school without learning how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions for this issue?

#students #school #money
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the modern day, there is a significant rise in school leavers. These students are stopping their education without learning the consequences, to be specific, managing their financial situation. There are various reasons behind
this
.
This
 essay will discuss the cause and proposed solutions to
this
 issue. One of the main reasons for
this
 matter is that schools do not teach
children
 financial subjects.
While
 other curriculums are important, it is vital that
children
 need to learn how to handle money and why it is important to have it under control. In Australia, young people are allowed to work casual jobs at the age of 15. These youngsters have exposure to real-world jobs and earn bare minimum wages. Without proper guidance, some of them might think that they can earn money easily and spend more than they could afford.
This
 leads to
further
 loan burdens in the future, and it could take them years to pay back. The ideal solution to
this
 is adding an extra subject to teach
children
 about managing money. It can be taught in a way
that is
children
-friendly, so they are educated on monies, and how to treat it as a tool, rather than a goal.
Additionally
, parents are recommended to teach their
children
 when they are young, so they can have a basic concept of individual finance.
Finally
, students should always be encouraged to continue with their studies, as they can reach higher salary expectations if they have the right knowledge.
To conclude
, schools and society need to work hand-in-hand to reduce
this
 issue. Knowing the root cause and finding the right solutions will help the younger generation deal with personal finances appropriately.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers both the reasons and solutions to the problem effectively, but try to delve slightly deeper into each point to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly. While your essay is well-organized, some transitions between points could be clearer.
coherence cohesion
You've presented a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a strong framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the scenario in Australia, add valuable context and illustrate your points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: