IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include example from your own experience.

This
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 essay will highlight
people
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's opinions related to financial support for the elderly, provided by the
government
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.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that the state is responsible for
this
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 kind of care, others strongly affirm that
people
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 should create their own way to support themselves in the future. On one hand, workers spend their whole life working to achieve their dreams,
for instance
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,
traveling
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travelling
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, and building a family. As time passes and
people
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 get older, they
realize
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realise
show examples
 that they cannot keep working because they are too old. That's why in countries like Brazil, a financial contribution to the
government
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 is paid every month in order to receive
this
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money
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 at an older age, and be able to retire with some financial support.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 believe that the
government
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 should not be responsible for that, and each individual should create their own savings.
However
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, it's known that not every person has the skills to manage their
money
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 properly in order to save for retirement.
For example
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,
people
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 do not think about it in the long term, and that they will get old, spending
money
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 as much as they can. In my opinion,
people
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 should continue contributing every month with a small percentage of their salaries, with the major goal of retiring with dignity.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should
also
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 create a financial plan for children at school, and with that, teach them how to manage their
money
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 properly, with the main goal of making
people
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 think about their financial freedom. In conclusion, the
government
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 has a huge responsibility to
people
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, whether by teaching how to build savings or paying for their retirement. Both options are achievable and would increase the quality of life for old
people
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.

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task response
Make your opinion more clear early and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Answer all parts of the question more fully, especially why your view is better than the other view.
task response
Use one or two more clear and real examples to support your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some parts are long and a bit hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence connects clearly to the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
task response
Your essay stays on the topic of care and money for old people.
task response
You give an example about Brazil and add your own view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • pension
  • save money
  • working years
  • old people
  • health care
  • basic needs
  • cost of living
  • safety net
  • public money
  • tax
  • low income
  • medical care
  • daily costs
  • responsibility
  • independence
  • poverty
  • comfortable life
  • future plan
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