IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, with the economy rising, the large companies have become a key part of our lives. Can advertising influence
people
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 or not? With the Competition among companies, they introduced a lot of variations in their marketing strategy.
Therefore
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, Customers would like to buy
products
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 that use the best advertising.
Whereas
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, with social
media
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 spreading,
people
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 know whether a product is good or not.
Consequently
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,the
media
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 can’t change their perception that helps
people
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 to choose a product without others' opinions. In
this
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 essay, I will share my perspective, including my experience.
On the other hand
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,
due to
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 the Competition, the value of marketing has increased.
Moreover
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, Consumers were attracted by promotions that influence their brains more attractively. Even though society wants only their requirements to survive, a lot of
People
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 follow the Commercial rather than their own requirements.
while
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 Consumers are attracted to the adverts, they can miss what they really want in their lives.
For instance
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, in my experience, my mother would like to buy
products
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comparing
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by comparing
show examples
with
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apply
show examples
their discount prices and promotion lists.
Consequently
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, her opinion was changed by advertising campaigns.
On the other hand
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, with social
media
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 widespread,
people
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 have been increasing their knowledge about advertising.
Therefore
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, marketing Companies can’t change Consumers’ minds as much as in the past. As an example, younger generations choose
products
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 by comparing prices on websites, and they have
also
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 used online shopping to buy their daily Consumption. If we want to mitigate marketing influence, we should use social
media
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 to increase the knowledge about marketing strategy so that Consumers can buy their
products
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 without using the Companies’ Opinions. In conclusion, some individuals said that advertising has become a major role in our lives.
Likewise
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, they can change our perspective as they want.
However
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, with social
media
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 rising, some
people
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 believe that marketing doesn’t have a lot of power, which is influencing
people
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 to buy
products
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.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Show one full paragraph for why ads work, and one full paragraph for why people ignore ads.
task response
Give your opinion in a clear way. Say it early and keep the same view to the end.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are too general, so the reader cannot see exactly why you think this.
task response
Use examples that are more specific. Your example about your mother is useful, but one more clear example would help.
coherence and cohesion
Make the order of ideas easier to follow. You use 'On the other hand' two times, so the second body paragraph is a bit confusing.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple clear words like 'First', 'However', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Some sentences move too fast from ads, to social media, to shopping.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence joining. A few sentences are hard to follow because too many ideas are put together.
task response
You discuss both views, so you address the full question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You give a personal example, and this helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
The main topic stays about advertising, so your ideas are mostly relevant.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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