Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other

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Some
people
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believe
competition
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is important in their daily lives,
while
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others think collaboration is more powerful.Is
competition
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essential for
humans
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?.
Humans
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can improve performances and can reach their targets quickly by working with
competition
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.
However
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, I believe that cooperation helps to reduce working stress and pressure so that
people
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can improve teamwork. On the one hand, some percentage of
people
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believe that they can improve performance working under
competition
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,which is important to complete their targets before reaching the deadline.
Therefore
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, those are helpful to success
humans
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lives.
For example
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,when I was at university ,I had a friend
,
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apply
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whose name is kamal and we worked competitively.
Consequently
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,we could get higher grades for our final exam so that I can apply master’s degree in Australia, which I have achieved the greatest thing in my life.
On the other hand
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, if
people
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want to minimise their stress levels and pressure, they can work in cooperation.It would be helpful to increase teamwork
while
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employers are working in the workplace.
Although
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competition
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has increased rapidly, most
people
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would like to work with others.
For instance
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,when I met a university friend in the train ,we discussed his working expeirience and I supposed that teamworking is the crucial thing which is very important to build a friendly environment.
Moreover
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,our workplace can be converted into our favourite place with
this
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. In conclusion,
although
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humans
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have
competition
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with each other naturally,they can improve their cooperative attributes so that
people
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can mitigate stressful things that help to improve their life stage, and we should try to improve our cooperation skills.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say if you agree more with competition or cooperation in one direct line.
task response
Add one more clear reason for each side. This will make your ideas more full and strong.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and easy to understand. Some parts of your example do not fully support your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Put spaces after commas and full stops. This will make your writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with simple words like 'First', 'Also', 'For this reason', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or not well joined. Break them into shorter sentences to make the meaning clear.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use examples from life, which helps support your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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