In some countries people encourage teenagers to find part time jobs. Some people agree and others don't. Review both sides and give your opinion.

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The rapid development in society has led to a transformation in the social structure. The debate on whether young people should spend their spare time doing part-time work has been heated.
This
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essay will examine both sides and elaborate on my own views.
To begin
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with, getting a part-time job can help
students
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to acquire experience from real work. Since most of the knowledge from the textbook focuses on the theoretical aspects, having a job means
students
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can put these theories into practice.
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, they can learn how to make a real-world project by utilising the Python skills they have learned.
Therefore
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, having a job that only takes up their spare time would allow youngsters to
further
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polish their skills.
However
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, it might be challenging for
teenagers
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to find a role
that is
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beneficial to their future.
Due to
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the limitations in the skills
teenagers
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have, many roles open to them are low-skilled. To illustrate
this
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, many youngsters are working as waiters in the restaurant, which requires them to spend a lot of physical effort,
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nevertheless
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but nevertheless
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,
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apply
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gives back little in knowledge in return.
As a result
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, having
such
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roles may hinder the development of the
students
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in academia. In conclusion, since the roles that are available to
students
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vary, whether
teenagers
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should look for a part time jobs should depends on the return it can bring to them. It should be carefully considered whether the short-term benefits,
such
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as the monetary return, would outweigh the long-term development of the
teenagers
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.

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task response
Make your opinion more clear in the end and also a little earlier.
task response
Review both sides in a more equal way. The second side is a bit short.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some long sentences feel hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main paragraph focused on one point only.
coherence and cohesion
Check grammar in key sentences because small errors can make the meaning less clear.
task response
You answer both sides of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas move in a logical order from one paragraph to the next.
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