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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that individuals over 65 shouldn't be allowed to continue working. Others think the people should be allowed to work for as long as they chose. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Allowing individuals over 65 to continue their
work
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 is one of the most important issues. Some
people
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 insist that
people
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 over 65 shouldn't be allowed to continue their
work
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. Others,
however
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, suggest that
people
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 need to be allowed to continue their
work
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 as long as they choose.
Although
Linking Words
 both opinions are right,
l
Correct your spelling
I
 think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to keep their jobs.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
people
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 believe that working after 65
years
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 old can be dangerous for them.
Body · 2
The elderly, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 over 65, have many health problems, which make their bodies weaker. It can cause significant accidents, which can lead to death.
In addition
Linking Words
, openings will be made when the elderly leave the company, so that the young
people
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 can be hired by the company.
For instance
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,
people
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 who
work
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 on construction sites usually quit their job between the age 55 and 65, because they always use their bodies to carry heavy things , so as they get older, their body gets weaker.
Body · 3
On the other hand
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,
people
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 insist that we need to be allowed to
work
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 until we want to . Nowadays, the average life expectancy has increased compared to the past, so we have to live more than 30
years
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 after retiring from companies if we stop our job at 65
years
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 old. Because we can not make any more money, the government need to give subsidies to the elderly for at least 30
years
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.
For example
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, in Japan, the government has set the retirement age at 65. As the ageing population intensifies, they should pay a lot of subsidies to the residents and the nation's financial difficulties have intensified.
Conclusion
Although
Linking Words
 both opinions are right, I think that individuals over 65 should be allowed to keep their
job
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jobs
show examples
, because the average life expectancy has increased compared to the past.

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task response
For task response, answer both sides in a more full way. Your view is clear, but the first side needs a little more detail.
task response
For task response, explain your opinion more directly in the last paragraph. Add one more reason why people over 65 should choose to work.
task response
For task response, some ideas are good, but a few are too general. Try to make each main point more clear and full.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part structure, which is good. Keep this style.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use linking words more carefully. Some parts sound repeated, like 'continue their work' and 'although both opinions are right'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, check sentence connection. A few sentences feel hard to follow, so make the link between cause and result more clear.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion clearly.
task response
You used examples from construction work and Japan, which helps support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
The essay moves in a logical order: intro, one side, other side, conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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