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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think the latest technology for home entertainment such as sophisticated TVs, high-speed internet connections and tablets are having a negative impact on people’s lives, especially young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe the
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last
Correct word choice
latest
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 development of technological
devices
Use synonyms
 in houses,
such
Linking Words
 as complex televisions,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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fast
internet
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 connections,
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also tablets are carrying
Correct word order
and tablets, is also having
show examples
 a negative impact on
socities's
Check wording
society's
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 lives, particularly
children
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. I completely disagree with
this
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, because nowadays schools try to be modern, so they give
children
Use synonyms
 sheets and
homeworks
Check wording
homework
show examples
 on their smart
devices
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.
Also
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,
children
Use synonyms
are benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 from a lot application on their
devices
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. So, these elements can improve their educational
performance
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.
Body · 1
Nowadays, some educational systems try to prepare
children
Use synonyms
 for the future,
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also
Correct word choice
and
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 they try to make the education easier than before. So,
first
Change preposition
in the first
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 school year
they
Punctuation problem
, they
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 give a smart device
for
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to
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 pupils. These
devices
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 have a system
of
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in
show examples
 the school,
when
Correct word choice
where
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 the child can deliver his homework.
Also
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, if he
absents
Wrong verb form
is absent
show examples
 from his class, he can see the class record on his device.
While
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,
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apply
show examples
 a lot of aspects can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
child
Check wording
child's
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performance
Use synonyms
 with
this
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 development.
Firstly
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, if he does not have a good
internet
Use synonyms
 in his home,
as a result
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, he cannot attend his classes.
Additionally
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, the child cannot send his sheets
in their given
Change preposition
on
show examples
 time. All of these problems can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his grades
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
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, unlike if he has a good
internet
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 connection. He can upload
a high size
Correct word choice
large
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 files related to his subjects from the
internet
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 to help him
studying
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
.
Body · 2
In addition
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, some schools may give pupils unsophisticated tablets,
because
Correct word choice
due to
show examples
 the limited government support
to
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for
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 them.
After
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this
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, some
children
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to
Verb problem
want to
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 improve their quality of studying,
they
Correct word choice
so they
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 buy other modern
devices
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.
Such
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 as Apple
ipads
Fix capitalization
iPads
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 that come with a smart pin. And applications support
people
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writting
Correct your spelling
writing
 and reading qualities. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these
ipads
Fix capitalization
iPads
show examples
 may improve their
performance
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, because they give
people
Use synonyms
 access to download online books without
money
Verb problem
spending money
show examples
.
Although
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,
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apply
show examples
 all these
improvement
Fix the agreement mistake
improvements
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 may have some negatives.
For example
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, Tv screen becomes bigger than before.
Therefore
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,
it affects on
Correct word order
the effect on people's
show examples
people
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 eyes can be higher. But
this
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 has a solution when
people
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 make a safe space between
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 and their televisions, when they are watching.
Conclusion
In conclusion, with our education development technologies
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devices
Punctuation problem
, devices
show examples
 are playing an important role
on
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in
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
performance
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. They can improve their abilities,
while
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they are undeveloped in our houses,
this
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 can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
performance
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 badly. Because of
this
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, I completely disagree.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one clear point, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use easier linking words. Some words like 'also', 'while', and 'when' are used in the wrong place.
coherence cohesion
Keep one idea in one part. Do not move from good points to bad points too fast.
task achievement
Answer the question more directly. You say you fully disagree, but you also give many bad points.
task achievement
Add clearer examples to support your ideas. Some examples are too general.
task achievement
Explain how technology helps young people in a more full way.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has body parts with main ideas about school devices and learning apps.
task achievement
You give a clear opinion from the start.
task achievement
You use examples about school systems, tablets, and online books.
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