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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that cheap and fast transportation is essentialfor successful international business, while others argue thatadvanced technology is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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As the international
business
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 plays an important role in modern
business
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 territory, there is a discussion regarding
transportation
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 and advanced
technology
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. Some people believe that the former one is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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essential for successful international
business
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,
while
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 others say the latter one is more important. In my opinion,
although
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 both of them are indispensable, I regard the advanced
technology
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 as more important.
Firstly
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,
transportation
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 is indeed an important part of international
business
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. Because
companies
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 need to transport goods and contact overseas markets.
For example
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, it is very important for food
companies
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 to deliver
products
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 to their destination on time, or the
products
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 would spoil. Clothing businessmen need to travel to another country to learn the local fashion before selling it. For these reasons, cheap and fast
transportation
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 can not only help them to lower the costs and deliver their
products
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 more efficiently, but
also
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 improve the connection with consumers in other countries, which is good for international commercial trading.
However
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, as
technology
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 keeps developing nowadays, more commercial patterns have appeared. Social media can help
companies
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 to collect consumers’ preferences from other regions. The more important things are, Advanced
technology
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 has highly changed the global market in many ways.
For instance
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, software
companies
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 and
technology
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companies
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,
such
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 as OpenAI and many other
companies
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 that producing non physical
products
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.
Moreover
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, high-tech
products
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 became increasingly popular in the global market, and their
companies
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 are highly profitable from their
technology
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instead
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 of the low cost.
Thus
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,
transportation
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 will no longer be seen as the priority in the commercial industry.
Furthermore
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, as people’s income increases, they are more willing to pay the price for the commodities they want, and the costs of
transportation
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 are less likely to be the obstacle that prevents them from purchasing items from overseas. Above these reasons, advanced
technology
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 has
became
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become
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 more important today. In conclusion, fast and cheap
transportation
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 was an essential part of international
business
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, because it can provide lower costs and better connections.
However
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, as
technology
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 progresses,
transportation
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 plays a smaller role in the global market,
whereas
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 advanced
technology
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 becomes the main character.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. You write about both, but the part on technology is clearer than the part on transport.
task response
Give one or two more clear examples. Some examples are good, but a few are not fully explained.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in each main part, not only in the start and end.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan for each body part: main idea, reason, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not smooth. Use simple linking words like first, also, however, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are too long or hard to follow. Split them into shorter sentences.
task response
You answer the question and give your own opinion.
task response
You discuss both transport and technology.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The body paragraphs mostly stay on one main idea each.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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