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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss these two views and give your opinion.

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Public
health
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 has become a major concern that has triggered the
government
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 to seek possible solutions.
While
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 a significant
number
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 of
people
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 believe that an increase in
sports
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centres
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 can help fight against
health
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 conditions, others argue that these
facilities
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 cannot be a complete solution that provides a better quality of life. I strongly believe that building more
sports
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 complexes cannot change the way
people
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 think about a healthy lifestyle;
instead
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,
this
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 change is only possible by taking precautions and educating
people
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. On the one hand, increasingly constructing
sports
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facilities
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 encourages individuals to exercise, and provides opportunities for them to develop their abilities in
interesting sport branches
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various sports
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.
This
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 is because
people
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 who suffer from obesity and diabetic issues
,
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apply
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 cannot find a place where they can go and exercise
due to
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 a
lack
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 of these
facilities
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.
As a result
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, an increase in the
number
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 of these
centres
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 can help meet their needs, and it provides a possible solution for fighting against the obesity pandemic.
Furthermore
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, these places draw youngsters' attention, allowing them to start new kinds of
sports
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 branches.
For instance
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, Olympians start their careers in their
neighborhoods'
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods'
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sports
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centres
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 because these places are a suitable gameplay arena for them, encouraging them to become professional athletes.
Hence
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, if the
number
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 of these
centres
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 increases, it will have a great impact on citizens'
health
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 and youngsters' lives.
On the other hand
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, these
facilities
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 require an enormous amount of money for investment. These kinds of investments place a strain on the
government
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's budget.
This
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 pressure would be a great impediment to allocating resources equally to other areas.
As a result
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, the nation may suffer from a
lack
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 of infrastructure and education
due to
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 insufficient money. To illustrate, if the
government
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 only focuses on improving
sports
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facilities
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, it will create an irreversible gap between
sports
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centres
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 and other areas;
as a result
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, individuals cannot get sufficient healthcare
due to
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 a
lack
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 of hospitals. In conclusion,
although
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 many feel that the
government
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 should prioritise increasing the
number
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 of
sports
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centres
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 to reduce the
health
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 risk among its citizens, I firmly maintain that these improvements deteriorate the budget balance, and create a difficult time for the nation
due to
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 a
lack
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 of hospitals and other
centres
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.

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task response
Answer both views in a more equal way. Your essay gives more space to your own side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the middle body too, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Use more direct examples about public health, like diet, smoking, or health checks.
task response
Some ideas need fuller support. Explain more clearly how education and prevention improve health.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Sometimes the link is clear, but the idea after it is not fully connected.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph and develop it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are too long. Shorter sentences can make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion clearly.
task response
You discuss both sides, not only one side.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are clear and ordered in a logical way.
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