IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in order to be successful in business one has to study at university, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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It is an irrefutable fact that the success of a
business
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 can be attributed to several factors.
While
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 some
people
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 argue that a
business
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 person’s university
education
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 plays a vital role in running a
business
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, others reject
this
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 notion. I totally agree with the former statement because third-level
education
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 provides exposure to new
business
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 techniques and connects with like-minded
people
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 for
business
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 expansion across the globe. Many
people
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 are of the view that there are numerous examples of successful
people
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 worldwide who decided to spend more time developing their businesses rather than studying at universities.
For example
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, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, decided to quit his
education
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 because he was convinced
with
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of
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 the idea that the more time he will invest on acquiring a degree, the less time he would be able to spend on building his brand.
However
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, there are very few
such
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 examples in the
world
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the probability of becoming a successful
business
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 owner is very low without receiving higher
education
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. I would take the side of the
people
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 who support the perspective that post graduation
education
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 offers a platform to learn
business
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 tactics and helps them build a
business
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-supportive network. To elaborate
further
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, during
completion
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the completion
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 of their professional course,
students
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 obtain the knowledge about evolving
business
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 tricks and tips to seize the opportunities available in the global market.
Moreover
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, universities equip their
students
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, particularly those who are studying in international universities, with a set of different brains from different geographies, which enables them to expand their businesses around the
world
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.
Thus
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, university
students
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 get an extra edge to lead the
business
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world
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. In conclusion,
although
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people
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 strongly argue that studying at university is not essential because of certain existing examples in the real
business
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world
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, I believe universities’ role in helping their
students
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 by offering a necessary
business
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 environment and essential
business
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-related knowledge should not be overlooked.
Therefore
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, enrolling in a
business
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 course is a prudent decision one should take.

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task response
Estimated score: 7. You answer all parts of the task, but your ideas need more balance. The first main part gives only one example, then says success without higher study is very unlikely. This is too strong and is not fully shown. Add other reasons for this view, such as real work, risk taking, and learning from mistakes.
task response
Explain why university study helps in a more direct way. For example, say that students can learn money, sales, law, and how to plan a business. Your point about meeting people is good, but it needs one short, clear example.
task response
Your final line says that taking a business course is the best choice. This is a little narrower than the question, which asks about university study in general. Say instead that university can help, but it is not the only way to do well in business.
coherence and cohesion
The order is clear, but some sentences are long and hard to follow. Split them into two shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to see.
coherence and cohesion
Some links do not fit well. For example, “I would take the side of the people...” repeats your opinion after you already gave it in the opening. Start that part with a direct topic sentence, such as: “University study can give future business owners useful skills and contacts.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each part focused on one main idea. In the university part, first explain skills, then explain contacts. Give one example for each. This will make the flow stronger.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear opinion. Your view is clear from the start and stays the same until the end.
task response
You use a real example, Bill Gates, to show why some people think a degree is not needed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, one part for the other view, one part for your view, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “However”, “Moreover”, “Thus”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • success
  • business
  • university degree
  • study
  • knowledge
  • skills
  • experience
  • practical experience
  • finance
  • marketing
  • management
  • business law
  • problem solving
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • decision making
  • network
  • contacts
  • job opportunity
  • business partner
  • investor
  • start a company
  • family business
  • learn by doing
  • risk
  • customer needs
  • cash flow
  • market change
  • hard work
  • clear goals
  • creative thinking
  • discipline
  • learn from mistakes
  • strong base
  • real world
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