IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that longer prison sentences are the best way to reduce crime, while others believe that there are more effective methods of preventing crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In a recent survey which was conducted in my country, sixty per cent of citizens think that longer prison sentences are the best way to decrease crime.
However
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, the other forty per cent of individuals believe that there are better ways to reduce the number of crimes in the country. In
this
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 essay, I will be discussing both views before presenting my opinion.
To begin
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 with my essay, many individuals think that the only right method is to keep
criminals
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 inside prisons for the longest period
as
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apply
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possible, because by doing so
others
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, others
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,
such
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 as
children
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children,
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 will be protected from any negative impact that
such
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criminals
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 could
do
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cause
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. Not only
the negative impact would
Correct word order
would the negative impact
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 impact citizens, but
also
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 the ratio of crimes would increase if they went out to the public.
For instance
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, if
criminals
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 started going out to public places,
such
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 as the Malls or the parks, they would scare youngsters and make them feel worried.
On the other hand
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, people think that there could be other effective ways to solve
this
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 issue, because they believe that even bad people should have another chance to live
this
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 life with their
family’s
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families
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 and friends, and not
being
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be
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 in a closed place, where there will not be any improvement in their personality.
Moreover
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, here are some listed ways to enhance the
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criminals
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criminal's
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 behaviour in order to live a better life.
First,
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criminals
Use synonyms
 should enter a school where they teach them how to act in the right way, so that they can communicate with others.
Second,
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criminals
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 must
take
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attend
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 weekly
sections
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sessions
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 with a
therapy
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therapist
 so that the doctor can check on their mental health regularly. In my opinion, I see that not all
criminals
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 should be treated the same, because we do not know what have lead them to do
such
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thing
Correct article usage
a thing
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Punctuation problem
,
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regardless
knowing
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of knowing
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 what it is. On balance, some methods must be taken be for making any one enter the prison.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer covers both views, but the ideas need more care. The first view says long prison terms can keep dangerous people away from others. But the point about people feeling scared in parks does not clearly show how longer terms cut crime. Explain that people who do serious crime cannot harm others while they are in prison, and that long terms may stop some people from doing crime.
task response
Make your own view clearer and give reasons. You say not all people who do crime should get the same treatment. Say which people should get long prison terms, such as those who do very serious or repeated crime, and which people may need help, school, or work training.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, a person who steals for the first time may change through school and work help, while a violent person may need a long prison term to keep others safe.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The order is easy to follow, but some sentences are hard to understand or are too long. Put one main idea in each paragraph and then explain it with one example.
coherence and cohesion
Your first body paragraph starts with “To begin with my essay”. Use a simpler link: “On the one hand,”. Your last line, “On balance, some methods must be taken be for making any one enter the prison,” is not a clear ending. Restate your view in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Join ideas more clearly. For example: “Long prison terms keep dangerous people away from the public. As a result, they cannot harm other people during this time.” Avoid repeating “criminals” too often; use “these people” when the meaning is clear.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view.
task response
You give some ways to help people who do crime, such as school and help from a doctor.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, your view, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, “First”, and “Second”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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