IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Research have shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking.Advertisement of certain food items should be banned as cigarettes in some countries.to what extent do you agreed or disagree?

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It is increasingly argued that extremely high consumption of food is as negatively effective as smoking. A viewpoint states that promoting specific unhealthy foods must be prohibited
like
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, like
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 cigarettes
in
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, in
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 a proportion of countries. From my perspective, I disagree to a large extent with the given suggestion.
Initially
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, it is undeniable that overeating causes serious diseases.
However
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,
this
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 does not support the opinion of banning some food items
,
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;
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instead
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of that
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apply
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, we could moderate our consumption of these items. Unlike smoking, where addiction mostly minimises moderation. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in the United Kingdom, where obesity rates dropped 70 per cent
as a result
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 of a public campaign supporting the balance of eating
high sugary-contained
Replace the word
high-sugar-containing
 sweets .
Furthermore
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, people should be given full freedom in terms of the amount of food consumed. A primary reason is that it increases their
dompanine
Correct your spelling
dopamine
 rates, and
also
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 enhances productivity at work or school.
Moreover
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, advertising these foods attracts a small number of individuals,
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are children.
For instance
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, a recent report from Goldman Sachs states that 64 per cent of Kinder
Choclate
Correct your spelling
Chocolate
 sales are from kids aged between 8
-
Correct word choice
and
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14.
Consequently
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, the target market of some unhealthy consumes are notably smaller than
smoking
Correct pronoun usage
that of smoking
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 products. In conclusion,
while
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overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
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 is becoming
highly
Rephrase
increasingly
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 common these days. I firmly believe that the advertisement of foods containing harmful ingredients should be allowed

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Overall score: 5
This is about Band 5 for task response and coherence. The main answer is clear, but some reasons are not strong or fully explained. Some links between ideas are also not clear.
Task response
Answer the key point more fully: should ads for unhealthy food be banned in the same way as ads for cigarettes? Explain why food ads are different, and say what rule should be used instead of a full ban.
Task response
Your first body part has a good point: people can eat less, while smoking is hard to control. But explain it more. For example, say that people need food to live, but they do not need cigarettes.
Task response
The point about freedom is weak as written. Eating more food may make some people feel good for a short time, but it does not clearly show why ads should be allowed. Use a stronger point, such as choice, clear food facts, or rules for ads aimed at children.
Task response
Be careful with facts such as “obesity rates dropped 70 per cent” and the Goldman Sachs report. These facts seem too exact and are not explained. In IELTS, a simple made-up example is safer: “For example, a health campaign can teach families to limit sugar.”
Coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow one clear path: main point, reason, example, result. At times, your ideas move too fast. For example, the move from food freedom to work or school output needs a clearer link.
Coherence and cohesion
Do not use linking words only to start sentences. Make sure the link is real. “Furthermore” starts a new point, but it does not build on the first point very well.
Coherence and cohesion
Your ending has a sentence break problem: “while overweight is becoming highly common these days.” Join it to the next sentence. Also, restate your full view: ads should not be fully banned, but ads for children may need limits.
Coherence and cohesion
Use more exact words for the same idea. “Some food items”, “these foods”, and “unhealthy consumes” are not always clear. Say “foods high in sugar, salt, or fat” when needed.
Task response
You give a clear view: you mostly disagree. Your main idea stays the same from the start to the end.
Task response
You use two main points and examples. This helps make your answer more than just an opinion.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two body parts, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, and “Consequently” to show the path of your ideas.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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