IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is argued that the government is responsible for controlling the rise in obesity among children, while others believe that parents are the main cause of this issue. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often argued that the
government
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 should take responsibility for tackling childhood
obesity
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,
while
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 others believe that
parents
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 are mainly to blame for
this
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 growing problem.
Although
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 both sides have valid arguments, I believe that the
government
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 should play
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 more important role in reducing
obesity
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 rates among
children
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. On the one hand,
parents
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 have a direct influence on their
children
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's lifestyle and eating habits. Since
children
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 spend most of their time with their families,
parents
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 are responsible for providing healthy meals and encouraging regular exercise. If
parents
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 allow their
children
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 to eat too much fast
food
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, sugary snacks, or soft drinks,
children
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 are more likely to become overweight.
Furthermore
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,
parents
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 should educate their
children
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 about the importance of a balanced diet and motivate them to participate in physical activities
instead
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 of spending too much time playing video games or using electronic devices.
Therefore
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, poor parental supervision can significantly contribute to childhood
obesity
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.
On the other hand
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, I believe the
government
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 has a greater responsibility because it has the power to create nationwide policies that can improve public health.
For example
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, governments can impose higher taxes on sugary drinks and junk
food
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 to discourage excessive consumption. They can
also
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 introduce stricter regulations on advertisements promoting unhealthy
food
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 to
children
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.
In addition
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, governments should invest more in public parks, sports facilities, and health education programmes in schools. They can
also
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 encourage supermarkets to sell affordable fresh fruit and vegetables
instead
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 of giving priority to unhealthy processed
food
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. These measures would make healthy choices more accessible for both
parents
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 and
children
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. In conclusion,
although
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parents
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 are responsible for guiding their
children
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 towards healthier lifestyles, I believe the
government
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 should bear greater responsibility because it has the authority and resources to implement effective policies that can reduce childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
 on a larger scale.

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Task response
To reach a higher score, add one more clear example for each side. For example, show how a parent can plan a healthy school lunch, or how a tax on sweet drinks may change what families buy.
Task response
Your view is good, but you could explain more clearly why government action is more important than good parenting alone. Say that parents may want healthy food, but low cost junk food and ads can make this hard.
Coherence and cohesion
Some lists are long, such as “fast food, sugary snacks, or soft drinks”. This is fine, but use one short example after a main point to make the paragraph flow more smoothly.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a few more links that show cause and result, such as “As a result”, “This means that”, or “For this reason”. This can make the move between ideas even clearer.
Task response
You discuss both views clearly: parents and the government. Your own view is clear from the first paragraph and stays the same to the end.
Task response
Your main ideas are well explained. You show how parents affect food, exercise, and screen time, and how the government can use rules, tax, schools, and public places.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, parents' view, government view, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “On the one hand”, “Furthermore”, “For example”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
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