IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that team sports prepare children for work life but others think individual sports are better. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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The importance of
team
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sports
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 in preparing
children
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 for their future work life, which was always debatable, has now become more controversial
with
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, with
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 many people claiming that it is
beneficial
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beneficial,
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while
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 others reject
this
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 notion. The substantial influence of
this
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trend
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 has sparked
the
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apply
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controversy over
the
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its
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 potential impact in recent years. In my opinion, the former proposition appears to be more rational.
This
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 essay will
further
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 elaborate
both
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on both
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 positive and negative effects of
this
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trend
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 and
thus
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 will lead to a logical conclusion. There are myriad
of
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apply
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reasons which will
further
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 explain
this
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 argument
but
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, but
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 the most preponderant
one
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 stems from the fact that
team
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sports
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 develop communication and cooperation skills among
children
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. When
children
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 play football or basketball, they learn to work with others and achieve common goals. Another pivotal aspect of
this
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 argument is that
children
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 learn how to share responsibilities and deal with conflicts effectively.
For example
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, players need to communicate with their teammates during difficult situations, which can prepare them for similar challenges in their future workplace. Needless to say, all these merits stand in
a
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good stead.
However
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, there are some pitfalls that negate these arguments and which can certainly overwhelm the potential influence of
this
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trend
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but
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, but
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one
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 of the most alarming
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one
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ones
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 is that
team
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sports
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 may not develop independence as effectively as individual
sports
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. Activities
such
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 as swimming and tennis encourage
children
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 to set personal goals, manage their own time and remain self-motivated.
Hence
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, it is apparent why many are against
this
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trend
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.
According to
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 the arguments aforementioned above,
one
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 can reach
to
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apply
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a conclusion that the benefits of
team
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sports
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 are instrumental indeed.
Nevertheless
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, its potential drawbacks should not be overlooked either.

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task response
Score: 6. Your answer covers both sides and gives an opinion. But your opinion needs to be stronger in the final part. Say clearly why team sports are better overall, even though individual sports help children work alone.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but add one more clear work example. For instance, explain that workers often need to talk with a group, share jobs, and solve a problem together.
task response
Do not call individual sports a “negative effect” or a “pitfall”. The question asks for two views, and individual sports have good points too. Present this side in a fair way.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Each main paragraph has one clear idea, which is good. However, the start is too long and uses many general words. Go straight to the two views and your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph does not fully match your opinion. It says the benefits of team sports are important, but it does not clearly say they are better than individual sports. Make the final answer direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler links. Some phrases sound hard or unclear, such as “the arguments aforementioned above” and “all these merits stand in a good stead”. Use “In conclusion” and “These skills are useful at work” instead.
task response
You discuss both team sports and individual sports. You also give your view: team sports are better.
task response
You use clear examples, such as football, basketball, swimming, and tennis.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: start, team sports, individual sports, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “For example”, and “Hence” help the reader follow your ideas.
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