IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the major problems that faces today’s governments is creating enough satisfactory housing for their increasing populations whilst (=while) still trying to protect the environment. Discuss this statement and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has been facing issues building adequately habitable infrastructure without damaging the
environment
Use synonyms
. I opine that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 has been doing
it's
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 best by approving new
sactions
Correct your spelling
sanctions
, housing loans and investment opportunities and investing in acquiring new structural technology which promotes environmental stability.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, the increase in population has caused a major problem in
housing
Correct article usage
the housing
show examples
 sector, which has become an issue for the
government
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 to control
it,
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
without damaging the
environment
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 the raw materials used to build
accomodations
Correct your spelling
accommodations
 are harmful to nature,
such
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 as cement , bricks, wood and plastic. These are all non-biodegradable materials except for wood, and other natural resources used in the process
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of which
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 has come up with certain plans and sanctions to
mediate
Verb problem
mitigate
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 them.
Body paragraph 2
Approving new housing plans and loan sanctions based on their property history,
for instance
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, if
this
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 is their first or second house, promoting simple build
house
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houses
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 to reduce the material used or
increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 taxes for luxurious houses are some steps taken to promote
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environment
Replace the word
environmentally
 friendly housing.
Moreover
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, they have
also
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 been working on incorporating new technological
advancement
Check wording
advancements
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 in
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
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 sector, by introducing
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environment-friendly
Replace the word
environmentally friendly
 materials, better construction options and
promote
Wrong verb form
promoting
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 natural resources
instead
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 of electrical energy.
For example
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, there
pre-built
Verb problem
are pre-built
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 houses in
market
Correct article usage
the market
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 which can be built
according to
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required
Correct article usage
the required
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 specifications and delivered to the location. It only needs
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 people and less time comparatively to connect the utilities
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they are good to go.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 has
the attention
Verb problem
taken notice
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 issue and is taking
required
Correct article usage
the required
show examples
 steps
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 upgrading the technology and introducing new
amendments
Punctuation problem
amendments,
show examples
 to control and expand housing
while
Linking Words
 still trying to protect the
environment
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear: the state should build homes and also protect nature. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully how each plan can help both people and nature.
task response
Some points need more care. Loans and checks on how many homes a person has may not directly cut harm to nature. Link each idea clearly to less land use, less waste, or less power use.
task response
Use one clear real or possible example. For example, new homes can use solar power, rain water, and parts made in a factory, so they need less power and make less waste.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main part, and end. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph: one on the problem and one on ways to deal with it.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body paragraph more direct. It starts with the housing problem, but then moves quickly to materials. Add a clear main sentence and explain the link step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use full sentences and clear links between ideas. For example: “These materials can harm the natural world. Therefore, the state should set rules on their use.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
task response
You answer both parts of the task: the need for more homes and the need to protect nature.
task response
Your opinion is given in the first paragraph and repeated in the end, so the reader knows your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” helps show the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The example of ready-made homes is useful because it shows one way building can take less time and need fewer people.
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