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Band 6

Nowadays, more and more people are using their phones at nights. What problems can be caused because of this? How these problems can be solved?

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Introduction
These days, it is becoming increasingly common for
people
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 to
use
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 their mobile
phones
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during the
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at
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night
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.
While
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this
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 causes several health problems and reduced
productivity
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, I believe these can be addressed through public campaigns and app restrictions.
Body paragraph 1
One problem triggered by the constant
use
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 of mobile
phones
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 at
night
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 is the possibility of health risks,
such
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 as insomnia and eye strain. When
people
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 do not follow the recommended sleeping routine and
use
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 their
phones
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 excessively after 10 p.m., their circadian rhythm suffers, leading to damage to their
overall
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 well-being.
For example
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, a person who scrolls through social media at
night
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 watching entertaining videos might later suffer from poor eyesight or difficulty sleeping.
This
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 shows that using a phone at
night
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 can take a toll on a person's health in the long term.
Body paragraph 2
Beyond
this
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, the problems can even escalate to low levels of
productivity
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. As individuals do not get the right amount of sleep they are supposed to, they are prone to showing less enthusiasm and efficiency
during
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apply
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the next day. Not only does
this
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 lead to delays in their daily commitments, but it
also
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 affects
people
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 psychologically
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 if their days were wasted. A case in point is doom-scrollers, who usually report that their lives are meaningless, possibly because they waste the majority of their time scrolling and binge-watching during the
night
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, resulting in poor levels of
productivity
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 and dissatisfaction with their lives.
Body paragraph 3
One solution for
this
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 trend is that governments should provide information about the possible outcomes of using mobile
phones
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, particularly on TV, social media, and in newspapers, in order to reduce screen time.
This
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 means that individuals can understand that using mobile
phones
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 and other gadgets can be life-threatening, and
therefore
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 try to
use
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 gadgets rarely.
As a result
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, they might enhance their lives because they sleep enough and effectively.
For example
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, if a country introduces a new TV channel, especially in terms of technology,
people
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 can receive useful knowledge about the drawbacks of using
phones
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 at
night
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,
thus
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 avoiding the
use
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 of
such
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 devices.
Body paragraph 4
Another possible solution for
this
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 trend is that individuals should be forced to turn off their mobile
phones
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 during the
night
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 because of app restrictions
produced
Verb problem
imposed
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 by officials.
In other words
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, governments with the help of doctors might introduce new limits on mobile phone usage, and
people
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 have to delete social media and other apps when they reach their daily limit.
Consequently
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, not only might they improve their concentration, but they may
also
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 develop their personal skills and find new hobbies because they do not spend a lot of time on their
phones
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.
Body paragraph 5
To conclude
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,
although
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 using mobile
phones
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 can contribute to health-related problems and reduced
productivity
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, I believe that these severe issues can be tackled through public campaigns and app restrictions.
Conclusion
8/8/7/7

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task response
You answer both parts of the question clearly. To make your ideas stronger, explain why each answer would work in real life. For example, say how a public message can help people change their night phone use.
task response
Some claims are too strong. Saying phone use can be “life-threatening” is not well shown here. Use more careful words, such as “harmful” or “may cause health problems.”
task response
Your example about a new TV channel is not very clear. A wider public message on TV, online, and at schools would be a more direct and useful example.
task response
The idea of making people delete apps is not practical. A better answer is phone settings that block or limit apps at night, with the user or parent able to choose the limit.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: two problem paragraphs, two answer paragraphs, and a short ending. Keep this strong plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas more exact. In the second problem paragraph, move from lack of sleep to poor work or study more directly before talking about feelings.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “one problem,” “one solution,” and “another possible solution” too often. Use simple changes such as “A further problem is...” and “A second way to deal with this is...”
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are long and carry many ideas. Split them into two shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
task response
You give a full answer: health and work problems are explained, and you offer two clear ways to deal with them.
task response
The examples of late-night social media use and next-day poor work help show the effects of the problem.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear main idea, and the ending returns to the key problems and answers.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example,” “As a result,” and “Consequently” usually help the reader see the links between your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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