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Writing Samples
Band 5

Child obesity is common nowadays. Give the problems and solutions.

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Introduction
Obesity
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 is very common nowadays.
Obesity
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 has a tremendous impact on
children
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. It has changed the way
children
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 live.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons for
child
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obesity
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 and solutions to help them get rid of it.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are various reasons that lead to
child
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obesity
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.
First,
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the main reason is the internet.
For instance
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,
children
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 nowadays
,
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apply
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 spend most of their time playing video games, as it steals their time from the outside world.
Second,
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the overexposure to the internet and video games
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to an unhealthy diet.
For example
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, many
children
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 eat too much fast food and sweets, which are high in calories and low in nutrients.
Finally
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, the lack of sports and physical activity can increase the risk of
child
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obesity
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 by causing
children
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 to spend more time being inactive.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
child
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obesity
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 has multiple solutions.
First,
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socialization
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socialisation
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 is an incredible way to get rid of
obesity
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.
In addition
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,
children
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 can
socialize
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socialise
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 through group activities, helping them to stay healthy and keep in shape.
Second,
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participating in sports
,
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apply
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 is an incredible way for
children
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 to lose weight.
Moreover
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, sports play a huge role in the process of
weight-loss
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weight loss
, as it helps
children
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in burning
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burn
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 a huge amount of calories.
Last
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 but not least, regularly following a good and balanced diet can change much in a
child
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which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 suffers from
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child
Replace the word
childhood
obesity
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that
obesity
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 is very harmful for
children
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.
Therefore
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, parents have to always keep
eye
Correct article usage
an eye
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one
Change preposition
on
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 their kids, especially
,
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apply
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 on the food they eat.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. The main body gives causes and ways to help, but the opening says it will give reasons and solutions, while the question asks for problems and solutions. Add clear problems such as poor health, low self-worth, and trouble at school.
task response
Make each main idea more clear. Explain how too much screen time leads to less movement, then show how this can cause weight gain. For solutions, say who should act: parents, schools, and the state.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, parents can limit game time, make healthy meals at home, and take children to a sports club after school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph only about problems and the second only about solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are repeated, especially “First” and “incredible way.” Use a wider set of simple links, such as “also,” “as a result,” “because of this,” and “for this reason.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that do not fit well. Socializing is not a direct answer unless you explain that group games or sports make children more active. Put this idea with sports and group exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors that can make meaning less clear. Write “keep an eye on their kids,” not “keep eye one their kids.” Also remove commas after “nowadays” and before “is” in “participating in sports is.”
task response
You give several useful causes, including video games, fast food, sweets, and too little sport. You also give practical ways to help, such as sports and a balanced diet.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. Each paragraph has a main topic, and the conclusion gives a clear final message about the role of parents.
coherence and cohesion
You often use examples to support your points, such as fast food and sweets being high in calories.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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