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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many students have trouble being able to focus on school studies, with their attention span increasingly deteriorating. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?

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Many
students
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 easily lose concentration on school studies as their
attention
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 span keeps decreasing over
time
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. The reason behind
this
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issue
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 is mainly
due to
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 the
smartphone
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screen
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time
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 has increased dramatically. Involvement from
parents
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 is the most crucial thing to solve
this
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issue
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. The main reason why many
students
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 lose focus easily is
due to
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 the increase in
smartphone
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 usage. Most of the applications on
smartphones
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 use push notifications feature in order to get the
attention
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 of
students
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, which makes
students
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 distracted.
For instance
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, two of the most used applications by
students
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, TikTok and Instagram, have an algorithm that offers specific topics that
students
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 are interested in,
such
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 as gaming and automotive.
Then
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, those applications send push notifications to
students
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' phones with the objective of getting the
attention
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 of
students
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. If the push notification arrives when the
students
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 are studying, huge chance
students
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 will be distracted and end up playing with their
smartphones
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. In terms of solutions, involvement from
parents
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 is the most crucial part of solving
this
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issue
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.
Smartphone
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 features,
such
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 as parental control, can help
parents
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 to limit
screen
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time
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as well as
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 the content that
served
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is served
show examples
 on the
students
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'
smartphones
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.
For example
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, parental control can control the
students
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'
smartphones
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 to block any access and push notifications from TikTok and Instagram during school
time
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, so the
students
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 can put all their focus on school studies. In conclusion, the increase in
smartphone
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screen
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time
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 plays a big part in the decrease in
students
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'
attention
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 span.
Parents
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 play an important part in solving
this
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issue
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 by limiting the
screen
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time
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 of
students
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.

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, it could benefit from further elaboration on other potential reasons for decreasing attention spans in students, aside from smartphone usage.
task achievement
Consider using more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents logical structure and supported main points. However, improving transitions between ideas and developing paragraphs further could enhance cohesion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by identifying a relevant issue and proposing a practical solution.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly frame the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the mention of specific apps like TikTok and Instagram, add relevance and specificity to the arguments.
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