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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Some people argue that primary schools
do
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apply
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have an enormous focus on formal learning.
Although
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 academic
education
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 is important, I strongly believe that play should have a significant role in
children
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’s lives as it develops their social and creative
skills
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, formal learning is very important for
children
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.
First,
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primary
school
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 helps
children
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 develop basic
skills
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such
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 as reading and writing.
For instance
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, these
skills
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 are necessary for the growth of
children
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especially
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, especially
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 during secondary
school
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.
Second,
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subjects like mathematics
has
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have
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 an appreciable role in them.
For example
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, learning how to solve problems and
calculation
Replace the word
calculate
 helps
children
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 calculate and solve multiple things in their daily lives.
Finally
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, strict rules and
organized
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organised
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 lessons
teaches
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teach
show examples
children
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 many things.
Whereas
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,
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apply
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 it helps them become more disciplined and well-behaved.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that play is important as
education
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 in
school
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.
First,
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participation in games and group activities
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a meaningful impact on them.
For instance
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, it develops their social communication, teamwork and cooperation
skills
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.
Second,
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the variety of movement and games is incredible for them.
In addition
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, it gives them continuous motivation to study, makes
school
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 fun and kills boredom.
Last
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 but not least, creative games have a wonderful impact on the
children
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’s
education
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.
For example
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, it helps
children
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 have a wider imagination and think outside the box.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 formal learning and academic
education
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 are essential for
children
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, I believe that play should
also
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 be an important part of primary
education
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. There should be a healthy balance between play and academic learning so that
children
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 can develop both academically and socially

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task response
You answer both parts of the question clearly. To make the ideas stronger, explain more about why schools may give too much time to formal study. Then say more clearly how far you agree.
task response
Your main points are good, but some need more detail. For example, show how a game can help a child learn to work with others or solve a problem.
task response
Use a more real example from your own life or from a school you know. This will make your answer feel more full and more true.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. Keep this plan in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not used in the best way. Do not use “Whereas” to start a new full idea after “Finally”. Use “As a result” or make it part of the same sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph flow more smoothly by adding a short final line that links the examples back to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid lists with many “First”, “Second”, and “Finally” in every paragraph. Use other simple links such as “Also”, “For this reason”, and “At the same time”.
task response
You give a clear view: school learning matters, but play should also have a big place.
task response
You include useful reasons for both learning and play, such as basic school skills, team work, and new ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your two main body paragraphs are easy to follow because one is about formal learning and the other is about play.
coherence and cohesion
The end restates your main view and gives a clear idea of balance between study and play.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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