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Writing Samples
Band 5

Celebrities’ Private Lives Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some individuals think that
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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 or people using social
media
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 should not openly share the privacy of
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celebrities
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celebrities'
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lives
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,
while
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 other people feel that
this
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 is not necessarily wrong. I believe that sharing their privacy can bring more drawbacks, which I will discuss in my essay below.
Body paragraph 1
Looking first at the benefits of sharing the
celebrities
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'
lives
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, it appears that
this
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 can bring them to be more famous, since all young teenagers have already been handed a phone or digital device.
Therefore
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, many companies could be more interested in the famous artists and drag them as their models of product, resulting in more income for both companies and
celebrities
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Linking Words
as
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, as
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 well as increasing newspaper sales, bringing benefits for their long lifespan.
Moreover
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, it seems to me that
this
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 can lead the artists to have more confidence, especially if the activities they have done could bring a more significant impact
in
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on
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 citizens'
lives
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.
Body paragraph 2
Moving to the disadvantages that
this
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 situation can bring,
firstly
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, it could appear that not all
celebrities
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 want their
lives
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 shared on social
media
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, especially if it is related to the problem that they might be facing.
This
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 could pressure their psychological health, leading them to have a sedentary life, particularly when their relatives or friendships are involved.
Secondly
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, we can believe that
this
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 can be against the law of privacy. Each country has a backup
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such
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, such
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 as a certain law, for its people to have a peaceful life, without experiencing anguish because of the attack of
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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.
This
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 can trigger the judicial institution to sue the
media
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 company and give them a sentence
such
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 as a monetary fine or even permission to continue operating.
Conclusion
In summary, there are benefits that it may bring to
celebrities
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 and
media
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 company
such
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 as fame and more income.
However
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, we should not ignore the demerit ones to both
celebrities
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 and the other party, including mental issues and revocation of company permits.

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task response
Your view is clear: you feel that sharing private life brings more harm. However, make this view stronger from the start and keep it as the main focus in every paragraph.
task response
Explain your main ideas more fully. For example, say how news about a family problem can harm a star, and why this harm is more important than more fame or money.
task response
Use one clear, real-like example in each main paragraph. You could write about a singer whose child is followed by the press, or a film star whose health news is shared without consent.
task response
Some points are not fully clear. For example, more news about a star does not always make the star more confident. Give a direct reason, or choose a stronger point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. To make it easier to follow, begin each body paragraph with one short main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one idea. In the first body paragraph, fame, product ads, paper sales, and confidence are all mixed. Group close ideas together and explain them in order.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “therefore”, “moreover”, and “however” are useful, but make sure the next sentence clearly follows from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter. Long sentences with many ideas can make the meaning hard to follow. Use full stops to show each new idea.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give your own view. This shows that you understand the main question.
task response
Your points about stress, family matters, and privacy law are linked well to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall order: opening, good points, bad points, and a final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts, such as “Looking first”, “Moving to”, and “In summary”, to guide the reader.
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