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Band 6

The chart below gives the distribution of worldwide car sharing schemes (%) in 2008 and 2016.

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The chart below gives the distribution of worldwide car sharing schemes (%) in 2008 and 2016.
The bar chart depicts the worldwide
jobs
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job
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 distribution between
females
Use synonyms
 and
males
Use synonyms
 in 2008 and 2016.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of
females
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 and
males
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 nearly the same on most of the jobs
there
Punctuation problem
; there
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 are some remarkable
diffrences
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differences
 Teaching was the
mot prefferable
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most preferred
 job for girls
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 90% of
females
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are
Verb problem
apply
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working as teachers ;meanwhile , only 10 % of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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males
Use synonyms
 were
on
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in
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 the educational sectors which made it the least wanted job for
males
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. In
additon
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addition
, more than 80% of girls worked as theraoists which
put
Correct subject-verb agreement
puts
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 it the second
careere
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career
 that
done
Verb problem
is done
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 by
woman
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women
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due to
Linking Words
 the fact that only 19% of men worked on
this
Linking Words
 field.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, 90% of men were working
at
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in
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 construction ,female considerred it
as
Correct determiner usage
an
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 unfavourable career as only 10% of them were
on
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in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 job.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , 50% of both
males
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 and
females
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 were journalists. In
additon
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addition
, both
gender
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genders
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 had almost the same intrests about working
on
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in
show examples
 low, scientists and
advertisings
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advertising
. Which the persentages were
approximatily
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approximately
 close
on
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in
show examples
 those fields . Less than 60% of the
participents
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participants
 were working on these occupations.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females, males with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • the distribution of car-sharing schemes
  • worldwide proportion
  • percentage share
  • accounted for
  • represented
  • made up
  • the largest segment
  • the smallest proportion
  • a noticeable increase
  • a significant decline
  • rose from ... to ...
  • fell from ... to ...
  • remained relatively stable
  • overtook another category
  • became the dominant type
  • a marked change
  • a slight difference
  • respectively
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