IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Several individuals feel that it can be a good idea if it is still possible for elderly
people
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 to continue having a
job
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.
However
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, I totally agree with
this
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 statement for some reasons, which I will elaborate on in my essay below.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it appears that the
work
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 society can be managed properly when there is an elder in a
work
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 environment, since they have more experience and have
learnt
Correct your spelling
learned
 from mistakes.
This
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 can lead
people
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 who struggle with their
work
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 to solve the problem easily through lessons from their elders.
For example
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, in
job
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 fields
such
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 as data analysis, new employees tend to be confused about how to read statistical data, so that the senior workers who have more experience can give assistance based on their experience.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, we can believe that
this
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 situation can have a big impact on young
people
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's opinion, as
elder
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
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's productivity and commitment to the company tend to be seen as a good image that can be an example for young generations. They tend to complain about their
work
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 or even avoid some
job
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 fields.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, many young
people
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 prefer having a
job
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that is
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 located in a building, particularly one that has many facilities,
while
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 older
people
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 would take any
job
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 which provides them with financial security as long as it still helps the family's income, never demanding a
job
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that is
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 prestigious.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I totally agree that the presence of older
people
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 can benefit both in a
work
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 environment and in young
people
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's mindset, as
this
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 can lead to
having
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a prosperous society.

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task response
Make your main view more direct in the first part. Say clearly that older people should keep working only if they want to and are well enough to do so.
task response
Develop each reason more fully. Explain not only that older workers have more experience, but also how this helps the work place, such as fewer mistakes and better help for new staff.
task response
Your examples fit your ideas, but make them more exact. In the second example, focus more on how older workers set a good example at work, rather than on what young people want from a job.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. To make the flow better, link the second main part more closely to your main view: older workers can guide young workers through both their work and their work habits.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear main idea in each part. The first part is about experience and help at work. The second part should stay on role models and hard work, without adding too many new points.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links with care. Words such as 'For example', 'Also', and 'As a result' can show the link between ideas clearly. Do not use long phrases when a short link is enough.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two clear reasons: older workers can share what they know, and they can be good examples for young people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support both main ideas, which helps the reader understand your points.
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