IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things in their daily conversations). Why? Is this a positive or negative development?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Recently
Punctuation problem
Recently,
show examples
 we have seen
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in
day to day to
Correct your spelling
day-to-day
 conversations about wealth. Individual often talk about their earnings and spending because money is
integral
Correct article usage
an integral
show examples
 part of life. I believe
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 substantial merits.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, we are living in
era
Correct article usage
an era
show examples
 where advanced economy system has taken over globally,
paper
Correct word choice
and paper
show examples
 and virtual currencies are
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of dealing. It is the demand of current modern times that proper financial management must be implemented among the general public.
Therefore
Linking Words
, in order to keep themselves in
touching distance
Check wording
touch
show examples
 with
fast paced
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
 economic growth
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
conversation
Fix the agreement mistake
conversations
show examples
 have paramount importance.
For instance
Linking Words
, by sharing personal knowledge and calculations
one
Punctuation problem
, one
show examples
 of my colleague help me to plan ahead
, after
Punctuation problem
. After
show examples
 his advice i have recently started preparing
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
 sheet of my expenses
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 has significantly reduced my financial troubles.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, discussing costs, budgets, or investments helps
people
Use synonyms
 learn business literacy and benchmark prices. Chats about wealth among the
people
Use synonyms
 often consist
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sharing the experiences, we often learn from
others
Check wording
others'
show examples
 mistakes,
consequently
Linking Words
 we can apply those corrections
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 ourselves and avoid any
loses
Replace the word
losses
. In day-to-day conversations about money
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 usually talk about
offer
Check wording
offers
show examples
 and sales in nearby stores or online.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 use money conversations to show off, cover up insecurities, or gain social approval. Later should not be the case, because everyonedoes not have strong bank balance,
such
Linking Words
 chats must not include degradation of any
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
member.
Conclusion
In conclusion, talking about wealth and growth does not have major potential harm as long as it
carried
Verb problem
is carried
show examples
 out for
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 outcome
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as cost, budgets or
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
savings. By discussing privately about earnings and spending
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
then
Linking Words
 converting them into
actions
Punctuation problem
actions,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can start and grow their own businesses.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why people talk about money, but give more than one clear reason, such as high prices, online sales, and the need to plan for the future.
task response
Your view is clear: you think this is mostly a good change. However, explain the bad side in more depth before you say why the good side is stronger. For example, talk about stress, shame, or rude questions about pay.
task response
Use the example of your colleague well, but make it more direct. Say what advice the colleague gave and how it helped you save or spend less.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction, reasons for the change, good points, bad points, then your final view. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one main idea. The first body part can focus on money planning. The second can focus on sharing price and saving tips, then the risk of showing off.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “for example”, “as a result”, “however”, and “therefore”. Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are not clear, such as “Later should not be the case”. Write the point in a simple way: “This should not happen because some people may feel bad about having less money.”
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view in the final part.
task response
You use a real example about planning your spending. This makes your idea more believable.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, two main body parts, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful link words, such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, “However”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • economic disparity
  • transparency
  • financial planning
  • financial stress
  • culture of comparison
  • societal taboos
  • financial literacy
  • savings
  • investments
What to do next:
Look at other essays: