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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that universities should focus on practical skills rather than theoretical knowledge. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Competition
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 over cooperation has become a controversial issue in contemporary society.
While
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 some
people
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 maintain that
competition
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 plays an essential role in every aspect of life, the opposing view is that cooperation brings more benefits.
This
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 essay will discuss both views, and I strongly believe that the
later
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latter
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 claim is more valid than the former one.
Body paragraph 1
It is claimed that being competitive can motivate a person to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their potential. Unless there is a
competition
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, a person will never step out of their comfort zone. They are bound to be stuck in ruts and rarely contribute to the community. But for the competitive spirit, there would not be any significant
breakthrough
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breakthroughs
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,
such
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 as technological advancements and conventional medicine.
In addition
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,
competition
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 encourages
people
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 to strive for excellence. Sport matches are a prime example of it.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are
people
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 who advocate for collaboration for certain reasons. The first one is that if
people
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 work collaboratively, they give useful suggestions
and
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, and
show examples
 they can thrive together by lending a hand to each other.
For instance
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, Apple and Nike formed an alliance to launch a new pair of sneakers with a step tracking system
and
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, and
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 they can not only double their sales, but they
also
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 gain a competitive edge in their industries.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 it is argued by some that
competition
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 brings the best version of
people
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, I tend to agree with the view that cooperation can bring more advantages to our life and it is needless to say that we can achieve more if we forge a partnership.

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task response
The essay answers a different question. The task asks about university study: practical skills and theory. Your essay is about competition and working together. Read the question again and make sure every main idea answers it.
task response
State your view on practical skills and theory in the first part. Then use each body part to explain why. You could say if universities should focus more on skills, keep both areas equal, or give more time to theory.
task response
Use examples from university life. For example, show how work practice can help students get jobs, or how theory helps doctors, engineers, and teachers make good choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first one view, then the other view, then a final view. This is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the main point of each body part more direct. Start with a short topic sentence, then give one clear reason and one example. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not clear. For example, “But for the competitive spirit” is hard to follow. Use simple links such as “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same word for the same idea. You use “cooperation”, “collaboration”, and “partnership”. This is not wrong, but one main word can make the writing more clear.
task response
You give a clear personal view in the first and last parts.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction, two body parts, and conclusion are all present.
coherence and cohesion
The Apple and Nike example is specific and helps explain your point about working together.
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