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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
I largely agree with the statement that many primary school
education
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 systems are now focused on an overly rigid,
exam-focussed
Correct word choice
exam-focused
show examples
 approach to learning, and believe that a balance between study and play is essential in order to foster cognitive development in
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, one main advantage of informal
education
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 is that there is less pressure on students to learn all the lessons, giving them some
time
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 off to enjoy their leisure activities, to help them grasp theoretical
concepts
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.
Furthermore
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, learning
concepts
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 all at once will put immense pressure on
children
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 who are still developing their cognitive abilities.
As a result
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, leisure
time
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 allows the
concepts
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 to be learned over
time
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.
For example
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, I attended a Cambridge system institution from my early
education
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 throughout my high school years, where I enjoyed a balance between study and play, so I was not overwhelmed with difficult
concepts
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 in the classroom.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, another major benefit of informal
education
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 is that it efficiently develops
children
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's interest towards new experiences.
Children
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 form an interest in playing different types of games that help
in engaging
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 their cognitive ability.
Furthermore
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, they work together in groups, which is a pivotal part of the development of a person's abilities
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 social skills and teamwork.
As a result
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,
this
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 balanced approach of learning and playing helps learning be interactive, and it
also
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 helps learning outside the classroom.
For example
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, many schools in Norway have a routine of a 45 min break during the mid-day to help them grasp the syllabus more efficiently and effectively.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though formal
education
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 may provide a vast amount of benefits for academic excellence, I believe that institutions must implement the approach of leisure
time
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 activities with study, which will be more fruitful for
children
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 growing up, because it will not only help in relieving the mental drain on the
children
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 but
also
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 help them develop other cognitive and personality abilities.

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task response
State your view more fully in the first part. Say why many schools focus too much on formal study, not only why play is useful.
task response
Answer both questions in a more direct way. Explain how important play is, for example, by saying it should be a daily and planned part of school time.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clearer link to play. In the first body part, explain what kinds of play or rest help children learn ideas over time.
task response
Use examples that are more exact and easy to trust. Your own school example is useful, but explain one activity and how it helped you learn or work with others.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan, but make each main part start with one clear point.
coherence and cohesion
Some links repeat, especially “Furthermore” and “As a result”. Use a wider range of simple links, such as “For this reason”, “Also”, “In this way”, and “For example”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part easier to follow. “Leisure activities” and “informal education” are not always the same as play in class. Use one term and explain it clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence is very long. Split it into two shorter sentences so that the final message is clear and strong.
task response
You give a clear overall view that formal study should be balanced with play.
task response
You include useful points about stress, learning, group work, social skills, and teamwork.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses a clear four-part shape, with two body parts that each include an example.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well: both support a balance between study and play.
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