IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some students choose to work or travel after leaving school and before going to university. Many people, however, say that working experience is more useful in adult life than travel.Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
After graduation and before university intake,
students
Use synonyms
 have a choice whether to work or
travel
Use synonyms
.
While
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 some people believe that work is a better option, as it will support them in their adult life, I side with those who choose
travel
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 after leaving school.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, working is good to prepare
students
Use synonyms
 with practical skills. Nowadays, there are opportunities for them to gain working experience,
such
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 as register an internship in a company or
get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 a part-time job in a restaurant. It will teach them how to be more disciplined and responsible, as they have to come on time and perform well in their job.
However
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,
this
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 experience will not significantly help them in their future life, because their age only makes it possible to get practical and boring stuff, like becoming a photocopier or a waitress.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
travel
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 brings more lessons and joy at the same time.
To begin
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 with, a
touring
Replace the word
tour
 is actually an experimental learning process, where
students
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 will learn that their holiday plan may not go well.
For example
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, one day, they decided to go to a beach, but suddenly rain fall, and it ruined their itinerary. They need to adjust and discuss what the best solution for
this
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 problem is.
As a result
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, it will boost their problem solving skill.
Furthermore
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, a holiday with friends will strengthen their relationship, and they can have good quality time before separation
in
Change preposition
at
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 the university, as they may not get into the same institution
as well as
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 same major. It is better for them to use their free
moment
Check wording
time
show examples
 to explore, because by the day they get into the next stage, they will get busier with tons of assignments.
Conclusion
In conclusion, though some people say working will help
students
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 in the future, I think it is better for them to explore places, because they are still young and free. After leaving school, they are still in their teenage period, which only permits them to get blue-collar jobs.
In contrast
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,
travel
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 is more suitable for their age to explore and gain knowledge through experience. Not only learning, but vacation
also
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 brings fun and unforgettable memories for them with their friends.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. You agree that travel is more useful, so keep this idea clear in every part of the essay.
task response
Develop the main point about travel more fully. Explain how travel can help in adult life, not only give fun and time with friends. For example, it can build planning, money control, and problem solving.
task response
Be careful with the point about work. Saying that young people can only do boring jobs makes your point less strong. Even simple work can teach useful skills, so explain why travel is still more useful overall.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your main idea. The rain example is useful, but show more clearly how changing plans can help a person later in work or life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make the link between each idea more clear.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea, then give an example and explain its result. This will make the reader follow your view more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'however', 'for example', 'as a result', and 'in contrast' are helpful, but each one should show the exact link between the two ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea in the conclusion. Sum up the two best reasons for travel instead of adding new points about age and jobs.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear view that travel is the better choice.
task response
You give real and easy-to-follow examples, such as changing plans because of rain and spending time with friends before university.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are well ordered: you discuss work first and travel second, then end with your own view.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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