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In some cultures, childrens are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #childrens #children #message
In many nations,
children
 are regularly told that they can achieve success if they work hard enough.
This
 essay will elaborate on both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
 idea, leading to a logical conclusion.   Teaching
children
 that they can succeed through hard work offers two main advantages.
Firstly
, the
children
 who embrace
this
 belief become more happy in life.
This
 is because as they experience the genuine pleasure of achieving something they truly desire ,their enjoyment of life increases.
For example
, in China, most of the young ones are raised by
this
 thought as research shows that they have the happiest child rate. Another advantage of
this
 is that they become more ambitious which leads to better career opportunities and better quality education.
According to
 a recent poll that has been done at the University of Harvard, 80% of the students believe that they can achieve whatever they want as long as they try harder.
On the other hand
, the main drawback is they get more exhausted. Most of the
children
 who have that opinion tend to get their desire and
this
 process makes them drained.
Furthermore
, if they don't make it, they become more depressive and less hopeful which affects their future in a terrible way.
For instance
,
children
 who failed many times in IELTS, the international English language testing system, tend to believe that they won't be able to get the score they want.
Secondly
, they become greedy as they want to achieve more.
As a consequence
, they might become less emotional which would affect their relationships.
This
 essay argued that teaching
children
 they can achieve anything by trying harder has both benefits and drawbacks. Even though it might be beneficial for them, disadvantages can affect their life too.
Submitted by edzcls on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure with identifiable introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there is room to improve the flow and effectiveness of information presentation. Work on creating more cohesive transitions between the paragraphs and developing a more convincing argument by fully elaborating on the ideas presented.
task achievement
The response to the task is adequate, you have mentioned both advantages and disadvantages but the development of ideas could be more thorough. Consider expanding on the specific examples and ensure that they are entirely relevant to the point you are trying to make. This will demonstrate a better task achievement and a clearer understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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