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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think it is no longer necessary for children to go to school because they can do all their learning online. Others believe learning in schools is essential. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

7.0 / 9
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Introduction
There is a debate over whether
children
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 must still go to
school
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 or whether studying online would be enough.
While
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 online learning brings multiple advantages, I believe that going to
school
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 is still necessary.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, studying online is a beneficial development.
This
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 is because
children
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 can watch lectures and do their homework
while
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 staying at home.
Therefore
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, parents and
school
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 buses are not needed to bring pupils to
school
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 and take them home again.
As a result
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, traffic congestion will be reduced, especially in the morning.
Moreover
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, buying books will not be necessary as everything can be done using only a laptop. From an environmental perspective,
this
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 can bring significant benefits to the environment,
not to mention
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 reducing the financial burden on parents who have to buy these books every year.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, from my point of view, going to
school
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 and attending classes in person will remain essential.
This
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 is because
children
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 do not go to
school
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 only to study. Learning in schools can improve
children
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's mental well-being and communication skills by allowing them to talk to their peers and make new friendships.
In addition
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,
school
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 projects and activities play a significant role in helping
children
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 think outside the box and prepare them for their professional careers in the near future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the concern about keeping
children
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 at home and letting them learn online is understandable.
However
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, taking them to
school
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 can help them develop skills that are important for their future,
in addition
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 to their education.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why online study may be enough for some children, such as those who live far from a school or need to learn at their own speed.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some need more support. For example, say how school work and group tasks can help children in later work, with one clear real-life example.
task response
The question asks for examples from your own knowledge or life. Add a short example, such as a time when you or someone you know learned more from working with classmates than from studying alone online.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, online-learning side, school side, and end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use links between ideas more carefully. You use 'This is because', 'Therefore', and 'As a result' well, but some links are too strong. For example, learning at home does not always mean that traffic will go down, as some parents may still travel for work.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the online-learning paragraph, home study, traffic, books, money, and the environment are all included. You could split these into fewer, more fully explained ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph match your view more directly. Instead of saying the concern is understandable, clearly restate that school should remain necessary because it gives both learning and social growth.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you present the online-learning view, the school-learning view, and your own clear opinion.
task response
Your point that children need school for friendship, talk, and group work is relevant and well chosen.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' clearly shows the two sides of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The start gives a clear plan, and the ending returns to your main view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • customizable learning pace
  • global connectivity
  • social skills development
  • self-discipline
  • unequal access to technology
  • structured environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • supervised learning
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • peer pressure
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