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Band 5.5

Nowadays it’s possible for people to buy many products or pay for treatments that help them to look younger. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Looking young and vibrant has always been associated with other qualities,
such
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 as being healthy and happy. Unlike in the past, nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 can find
beauty
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products
Use synonyms
 that make them look younger, easily on store shelves.
Although
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 I agree that these
products
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 are quite effective for what they promise, I believe that using them can sometimes cover underlying issues that need attention.
Body paragraph 1
No matter where we live,
people
Use synonyms
 can find ranges of
beauty
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products
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 in regular stores.
For instance
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, there are lotions that help
people
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 look healthier and younger by covering their dark circles
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 or skin puffiness. These are sometimes even labelled as “Dermatologist Tested” and have active ingredients that work on the skin layers. There is no doubt that we can find many
products
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 that can make what they promise
,
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;
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however
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, what if the issue is deeper than that? What if what we see on our face is a sign that we need to pay attention to what’s happening inside our body?
Body paragraph 2
Many
people
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 prefer to use
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 or treatments rather than doing routine health checks and bloodwork.
Although
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this
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 can be considered a way to cover the surface, sometimes ignoring the signs can lead to serious problems.
For example
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, dark circles under the eyes can be caused by various events,
such
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 as lack of sleep, dehydration, or
anemia
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anaemia
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. It is not simply a change in colours related to ageing that can be solved by applying
moisturizer
Change the spelling
moisturiser
show examples
 on the skin. In some cases, even though
beauty
Use synonyms
products
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 can temporarily fade the surface-level symptoms, it does not mean that the root cause is fixed.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I totally agree with the fact that nowadays we have a variety of options of
products
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 or treatments at reasonable prices to help us reduce the signs of facial ageing, but it can sometimes try to fade a symptom that does not need to be faded, but treated at its root.
Therefore
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, I believe that
this
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 phenomenon is not positive and needs to be clarified for
people
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 who sometimes what we need is not a cover, but
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real attention.

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task response
Your main view is clear: this trend can be bad because it may hide health problems. However, you should also answer the full question more directly. Explain why looking younger can be good, then explain why the bad side is stronger.
task response
Develop your first main point more. You say these products work, but the paragraph mainly asks questions. Add a clear reason and an example of how a product or treatment may help a person feel better or deal with signs of age.
task response
Your example of dark circles is useful and clear. Be careful not to suggest that all signs of age are health problems. Keep the focus on products and treatments that make people look younger.
task response
Make your final view more exact. Instead of saying the whole trend is not positive, say that it is useful when used with care, but it is bad when it replaces real health care.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Each body part has one main idea, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer questions in formal writing. For example, change “what if the issue is deeper than that?” to “However, these products may hide a deeper health issue.” This will make your ideas more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. Use simple phrases such as “On the one hand”, “However”, “For this reason”, and “As a result” to show how each point connects.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence is hard to follow because it repeats “sometimes” and has too many ideas. Split it into two short sentences. For example: “People should not use beauty products to hide health signs. In some cases, they need real medical care.”}],
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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